Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Sunday, 8 July 2018

What Is Grief?

I have sat down to write on this subject many times over the past 2 months. Massive words have been typed, copious tears have been shed, but each time, I just did not say what I wanted.
  One thing about writing over and over, and realizing it just isn't right , is, each time, I learn something new. My words are not what I want,but they make me think, and sometimes re-reading, allows me to go a little deeper into my emotions. Today, I suddenly understood something, something I never put together until this trip through devastating sorrow.
  On July 4th, my beloved dog Rupert would have turned 10. He left us/me on April the 5th, without any warning. We have no answers as to what caused him to go into severe shock, our Vet searched all avenues for a reason, and came up empty handed. I thought an answer may have helped, but now I realize, nothing would help. This experience would be the same, even if there was a reason. The same question would be asked, no matter what...why?
  I have also come to realize, at this point in our lives, our love for our Dog was not unusual. Our kids are grown, and after almost 30 years of having a house full of children, only to have them become adults, and live their own lives, Rupert came along at the perfect time. He became the center of our universe, especially mine. He came into our home against my express wish.
 We were about to say goodbye to our Nappy who we had for 16 years, and I did not want another furry soul who would likely leave before me, and cause grief. Yes, from the moment I fell in love with Rupert, in the back of my mind was the thought of how could I survive him passing?
  I had 2 days in which I said goodbye to our faithful friend Napoleon (Napitrue/Nappy)They were difficult. I thanked him for loving us completely for the years the kids grew, and putting up with some neglect, and asking for so little. We sat side by side out in the yard, he was devoted, always by my side, and it was so painful. But he was old, and he was in pain, and he was ready for the final rest. I will say, I was grateful we had Rupert before Nappy left us, because he was love. 
  Sometimes people are very lucky to find true love, sometimes they are even luckier to find more than one true love. I am one of those lucky people. But, the love I found with Rupert was so enormous. He was special, and he was full of love. He assumed the whole world loved him, because he loved everyone he met. Yes, he was spoiled rotten, and yes, our whole world revolved around him, but...his world revolved around us. We thought he was the best dog in the whole wide world. Sure he wasn't the smartest, but we would always say..he didn't need to be smart, because he was beautiful, and he knew that too. He had lab eyes..they would look so very sad, he would always be offered the last bite. He would do something "bad" and be punished, told to lay down..which he would do while he turned on the eyes, and his punishment would end quickly, because the eyes would break our hearts.
  The day he left us, was a total nightmare. Three of his family holding onto to him, not wanting to let go, pleading with him to stay, and only the eyes remained , right to the last moment. Those eyes were his greatest asset, they were used to attach himself to our world, and the moment they closed, our worlds were left with an emptiness I can't quite say I have ever experienced before.
  So we suffered. We felt what those who have defined the emotion of grief. It is enormous. If one has never experienced it, one cannot imagine. The best I have heard it put into words, is, like drowning, with the water and the waves continually crashing into you. Most everyone of us will at some time suffer this, and..in truth, it is only if we are lucky enough to love.
  I never once imagined that love would come with something so painful attached, but it does. Grief is completely balanced by how much one loves what is lost. Life can simply pause for an instant when a loss is experienced, and one can realize it is sad, but, moments later , things go on as normal. Mostly because, either it was not an integral part of life, or the loss did not impact one personally. But..when something that is loved so immensely, suddenly is gone, and nothing is the same, and there is a void, and every moment that which was, is no longer, the price for loving becomes the dark side of the greatest emotion known. Grief has to be powerful, because so is love. What brings the greatest happiness, turns backwards, and causes the unbearable pain. 
  So..suffice to say, Rupert was loved beyond measure, and for that, we pay the price of intense grief. I have questioned whether I could ever pay this price again, I wonder if I am able, are any of us, who love? But, what would the world be like if we protected ourselves from the possibility of grief by closing our hearts to love? Maybe the trick is never coming to this understanding? Maybe now I will forever worry about those left who I love? It is almost impossible to shield oneself from loving, and therefore, again, most everyone of us, will suffer the payment for the most pleasurable emotion, with the most painful. Nothing in life is ever free!

Sunday, 18 February 2018

I apologize

Just moments ago I posted a blog. I hit the button, and then realized I had made a mistake, and not checked all my facts. I have deleted the post, and if it does pop up somewhere..I apologize. I screwed up!

Sunday, 24 September 2017


O.K. It is happening! I have known it for some time, now, subtle changes, after living with me for so very long, I noticed. Hugs come far easier for me, guess that was the first hint. Growing up, I was never a hugger, in fact, hugs made me a tad uncomfortable.knowing they were coming from the regular folks, made me instantly stiffen up to accept, and inwardly sigh with relief when they were over. I was not raised with an awful lot of affection, pretty much the basics, no pats on the back, job well done, we are proud of you..just to get through a day without getting sh*t, was seen as an accomplishment in my world. Hey, it gave me a pretty strong back bone, and again. laid the foundation for one who has managed to get through some pretty tough times, so I am grateful for this. I, in turn, raised my children somewhat the same, not quite as stringent, but not mushy. I hope that I gave more affection than I received growing up, and I know my kids hug far easier than I did, so..perhaps it wasn't so bad.
  But getting back to the hugs...I hand them out pretty freely now, and strangely enough, I don't even consider perhaps someone might be like me, and stiffen up beforehand. Something inside just clicks, and it happens, without thinking. I have to hug. I have to somehow let the other person know, deep down inside, the moment is special, and they are special. Is it because I know I am running out of time? Maybe. Is it because throughout life, I have come to understand that sometimes there is no tomorrow, and I can't afford to wait until the time is right to let others know they matter to me? Probably. 
  Now, because I hug, does not mean that suddenly I have laid off b*tching, because I certainly have not! Things bother me just as much as they did before, however, I think perhaps I have finally realized, I can only change some of the crap that irritates me, and most definitely not all. I know I am a tiny voice in the swing of things, my screeching, no matter what one was taught, that every voice matters, only matters to the few in my little world. I am not going to change the world, not even my own. Not an easy thing to accept, but slowly and surely, I am coming to terms with it. 
  Thing only thing I know for sure is, I can give those who matter to me, a pat on the back, or job well done, or a simple hug to make them aware they are important in my world. 
  Every so often, lately, something happens in my "bubble" that makes me shake my head, and wonder if perhaps my lack of hugging for so many years, made me lose out on so much. See. sure, things pi$$ me off, daily, but, daily I experience bits and pieces from the lighter side of life, and I dwell on them, just as much as the crap. 
  I finally decided to seek out a professional for health, since I am getting long in the tooth. I was lucky enough to get one who was very young, and very laid back. Something out of the ordinary for me, as I have always been uncomfortable with those who poke and prod, and dispense prescriptions on what I must do to continue living my good life. I was totally at ease, and it was almost like sitting down with someone I had known all my life. How strange, this person was younger than my oldest child, and yet, if I had a cup of coffee, the visit would have been perfect. I walked out of there feeling amazing (yes, she told me I WAS amazing). Never once have I left a Doctors office feeling like someone had listened, and someone actually was looking out for my best interest. When I heard she had suffered a medical emergency, one that indeed was life threatening, I was saddened, and yes, worried that I would lose something I found, that was special. Long story short (LOL) she won her fight, and just a few days ago, we ran into each other. I was thrilled to see her, but see, there should have been a line, I am just a number in her patient book, right? Wrong!! My first thought was to throw my arms around her and give her a big hug, because deep inside, she is special to me (yep, only seen her twice), but protocol said that was over the line. Instead, she made the first move, she started the hug. That one hug, made such a difference in my world, and I hope she knows this. 
  So, I admit, I have mellowed an incredible amount. my only regret is, it took me this long. I imagine I have missed out on a great deal, throughout life, with my standoff's.Sometimes it is very hard to put dents in one's foundation, but once they are there, they become second nature. 
 As I head into this new stage of my life, I have come to accept many things, the appreciation of those things which have no monetary value. Sure, I still want to win the lotto, because it would allow me to improve so many lives, which would make me very happy, and it would allow me to spend more time with those who matter so much. I am beyond wanting stuff, stuff is so unimportant, it breaks, it clutters, it takes time and effort. I don't want to waste those two things at this point in life. I am now at the stage that I want to ensure those who matter to me, know. I am trying hard, got a long ways to go, but I have mastered the hug..and that is a good start! So..go on..hug someone who matters..it might just make their day!!

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

This Is My Life

   Over the years, through blogging, I have allowed my door to be wide open to the world. There have been many times I have put down in words facts of my life, that generally folks keep to themselves (I was one of those for the majority of my life). Now, well, I really don't care what others think, so, I simply spew whatever comes into my head, and out my fingertips. I often wonder if I started doing this, because, well, life sucked the big Jahoogie, and because I was always so angry, and felt so sorry I was given a hard road to travel. Hey, that is probably pretty spot on, but, writing these little novellas has done me a world of good, because, many times I start off, feeling self pity, and as I go on, I realize, life has perhaps not been a walk in the park, but, it has certainly given me some pretty amazing times, and, as I have stated previously, some incredible memories.
  For those who don't know me well, I am a very difficult person, in many ways. Most of that is a result of my up-bringing, and..hey, one's up-bringing does indeed set some foundations on who they will become. I was raised in a very strict household, especially in my position as eldest, and..of course, female. Keep in mind, we are speaking of the 60's, and a very small town. 
  My family was middle class, and in those days, there truly was a middle class. My Dad worked long hours, and for the most part, 7 days a week. Our family outings, consisted of my Mom, packing up a picnic lunch, and (because she did not drive during my childhood) walking down to the little airport, hiking across the dirt runway, and having a picnic, while my Dad waited for the next plane hauling supplies to the bush camps, so he could load it up, make sure it was mechanically sound, and send it off. My Mom did not work while I was a child, well, in a paying job, she did, however, work like a dog in and outside the home. Gosh, I think back on what she did, catering to my Dad, catering to her kids, and seldom a moment to herself.
  I didn't realize how deeply my Mother was ingrained in me, or my Dad, for that matter. But the past 5 years, I understand, they gave me some pretty concrete foundations. Growing up, I had friends who got far more than myself, and true to a child, I would always head home, requesting all those luxuries for myself. Hah! That was when the "if so and so jumped off a bridge, would you follow" would ring out. Helloooo..WTF did that mean? They certainly didn't jump off a bridge to get their little fancies, what has a bridge got to do with the time of day? Lord love us, I recall saying those exact words to my children, and I imagine it took them a few years to clue in as to how that damn bridge had any bearing on wanting stuff.
  My Mom inserted the cheap gene deep inside of my being. I absolutely hate spending money!!My belief is, if one can live comfortably with simple basics, why on earth should they be jumping off the damn bridge. I did indeed go through that I want stage, and every so often, I come across a bridge, but, the idea of having to spend to jump off it, over weighs the urge. Putting in almost 30 years of raising children, buried the cheap gene even farther, because extra's were just not possible. Now, any splurging, has become incredibly uncomfortable, plus, I think about "tomorrow" all the time, and one splurge usually means, something else may pop up, and I would regret my spending. Yes, this is my mind set. And..yes, some days I hate my life, the life without those luxuries. Cripes, lots of days!! I won't buy basics, unless I can be sure I got the best price.
  I recently realized my Dr. Scholl shoes were not suitable for work (clearly I work in a hospital, and they were designed by a frigging Doctor, one would assume they would be perfect), so I had to break down, and purchase something that would not cause me to tear up after 3 hours. Took me a few months to actually break down and decide to splurge. Holy Crap!! The average shoe price in the store was $129!! Who the h-ll pays money like that for shoes? Well, apparently every one else in my family..but it actually made me sick to my stomach. You know what? Those $129 shoes and the $169 shoes hurt my feet! I walked out wearing a pricey pair of $66 shoes, that felt like pillows, however, they are still beyond my comfort zone, and they bloody well better last a long time, because it hurt to pay this much to wear something on my stinking feet!
  My family knows I can't break down my foundation. My honey is NOT at all like me, he doesn't get a twinge or in fact a seizure, when he needs to purchase things, and often gets fed up with my inability to spend, especially when he comes home and the fridge is bare, as I inform him, I have soup, and toast..hey basics, right? I suppose I am somewhat annoying, but it is my comfort zone, and I manage. However, I also harp when he spends, I harp when my grown children spend..mostly because I can't stop worrying about Tomorrow...it is the reason I have 3 pairs of thrift store jeans, and "stole" my youngest daughters Safeway work shirts, as my usual outfits of choice. Hey, comfort zone!!
  Clearly the lot of them see my habits as an issue, because they all conspired against me for my 61st birthday. Truth be told, they all had to pay for messing with me, and throwing me off the damn bridge! I honestly have not forgiven them yet, and quite likely if a tomorrow shows up, they will not hear the end of this, but...I have got to write this, because, I have to let them all know, how much it meant to me. Maybe all of the Debbie Downer rants they had to listen to, will fade a wee bit..but..a little codicil...DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN!!
  My beloved (holy crap, I am sure he doubted he was beloved when this came to fruition) planned a get together with all my kids out of town. I went insane!! We have 4 dogs in my house, 3 of ours, and my son's. He arranged for our nephew to watch the dogs..ack!!! Someone in my house, ahhhhh..we have 4 dogs..I need to clean. The moment he admitted what he had set in motion, I went ballistic. I had to ensure my house was clean, wow, how wonderful, for my 61st I got to do a total cleanse of my house..hey, another foundation block, ingrained deep inside..do not let others see your home dirty...incredibly uncomfortable (and with 4 dogs, pretty much impossible). I was beyond livid. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend my day with my kids, it was just a big hassle to get to that point of feeling comfortable. I was most angry that, after well over 30 years, he didn't understand who I am. I suppose he does, he just figured if he didn't do things this way, I would never have agreed.
  The hotel costs, well..again, off the deep end when we were all standing there, and he was checking us in..I could see my kids faces..they knew this was painful for me. I understand the average person would be fine with things like this, but myself...I follow the words, cheap, reasonable, affordable, etc..this was not within those guidelines. Fancy dinner the first night..but, by that time, I could overlook me, and focus on how everyone else was enjoying themselves, so that was fine, it wasn't ME. 
  The next day, was when I totally realized how my family (yes Caroline, you are family) indeed understands who I am. The girls packed me off to the mall, and into a salon, where they informed me they had arranged a Brazilian waxing..you can imagine how well that went over. In fact they had decided my annual Miss Clairol dye job was not going to cut it this time, and I was handed over to Robert who turned me into a copper haired stylish old broad. While I was trapped at the salon, the girls shopped for me. To be honest, I was extremely uncomfortable..I know this was done with a whole sh*tload of love, but, was this a result of me being so cheap..that defeats the whole purpose, right? My cheap is suddenly costing others..this was not the first time I felt this way, lately, I have had friends who have bought me amazing gifts, that were things I mentioned in passing, and of course was far too cheap to purchase..and once again, it was happening. Hey they did good, the outfits were lovely, they informed me they were all on sale or clearance, which made me feel a wee bit better. I admit, when it comes to my birthday, I would be very disappointed if it was not acknowledged, but this went way beyond my 1/2 century passing, which was pretty amazing, and lord love us, I still have the humdinger 65 coming up..LOL.   So, now they have me all dolled up. new hair do, new outfit, and another big fancy supper.
  That was the final cherry on top! We were seated, and there were empty chairs, who else was coming? Crap, what did they plan? Oh, they claimed I would be happy when the others showed..hummm..really, they know how few people I like. I counted the extra seats, O.K. Irene and Beau..maybe it was them, but what about the others. Sadly Irene and beau were unable to come, but..the ones who did show, I did indeed love  My brother's boys showed up. I wonder if these "boys" know how much their Aunty loves them, I hope they do! Kristopher was the first nephew, in my little world, and he has grown into exactly who I imagined he would. A wonderful husband, and an amazing Dad, to his two daughters, just a good person! And William, who from the moment he came into this world, has supplied all of us with so much laughter, most definitely a branch on my tree, This was the best part of the whole thing, surrounded by my "own". 
  I came away from all of this, realizing, no matter how hard I think my dirt road is some days, I am truly blessed, by the people in my life. I am loved, and that, I sometimes forget. This reminded me of all the wonderful friends I have somehow managed to collect, and the family I have been lucky enough to be a part of. Many live their lives constantly jumping off of bridges to acquire things, and never get what they really need. I have all I need, with those who always walk beside me, as I make my way into the 61st year along this road of life!
  Thank you all so very much for an amazing memory that will bring a smile to my face..I apologize for all the crap I put most of you through all this, Chuck, Terri-Anne (Joey) Charles, Shelby (Brandon) and Caroline. Remember, it isn't the many wonderful gifts I received that made this so special (and I did get far too much), it was those who were there..next year, maybe Mickey Dee's for coffee?

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Darker Shade of Pale

  I know..it's been awhile. My life as I age, has somehow become far more hectic..and extremely boring! However, trust me things still rankle, I just seem to have less time to dwell on them, so I haven't sat down to rant away.
  This one, well, as with many others, will probably not sit well with the majority of the world, so I must try and make sure I get MPO in some sort of order, because I believe if MPO offends, so be it, I can't help the way I feel, and "it is what it is".
   Charlottetown! No not the Canadian one, the American one. What happened there, was nothing but a nightmare. However, it was a nightmare that history taught us, was sure to happen. Why does the world think that one group, that is so far off from another, meeting head to head, was going to have a happy ending?
  I am glad folks feel strongly about their rights, because, we all have them, well..sort of. However, the call is always "equal rights for all", and...no matter what, if this is truly what the world wants, they go about things in a strange way.
   BLM..well...of course they do! To believe any differently, is foolish. What exactly does the BLM group want? They began as a result of the shooting incident of a young Black man by George Zimmerman. I agree, the whole thing was a royal screw up, Zimmerman was a douche bag, but ultimately the judicial systems in North America are so flawed, if one looked carefully, they would see it wasn't just a Black matter, it goes beyond colour. I would be interested in the statistics on how many "white: people has been screwed in the courts..however, the focus is simply on Black lives, which somehow one group feels is unfairly treated. Hey, I agree, to a point, and I agree, things have to change, but I have issues with militants, and BLM is an extremely militant group, no matter which way you look at things. They don't care about anyone beyond their own..and therein lies the problem.
  White supremacy! Gag!! A nasty group of garbage. These folks are so closely tied to neo-natzis, (yes I did not capitalize) it scares the sh*t out of me. The only thing I have in common with this group, is the colour of my skin, so that kind of puts me in a bad spot, because if I find fault with the opposite side, I could easily be lumped in with a group I find repulsive. White supremist, are a militant group, as well. So...why is one better than the other? Honestly, one is standing up for one race, and the other for theirs. One feels their rights are attacked, and surprise, the other one feels the same. So..off they go..clearly one is not as accepted as the other, because of past history..but..see..they have a past history, of doing some really inhumane things, based solely on colour. BLM is new, the Black Panthers did some really atrocious things back in the day, which they felt was acceptable to try and get their point across..now BLM seems to think they are entitled to special privileges, and no matter which way you look at things, they are spreading hate. It is not politically correct to call them on this, but I don't claim to be politically correct, so just going to say things as I see them.
  They have pushed their way into many things lately, going so far as to stop Police Officers from taking part in Gay Pride Parades. WTF?? Can anyone tell me what Gay Pride has to do with BLM? Ahhh..perhaps one should look at who started BLM..clearly it is NOT only a colour issue going on with those in charge of this movement. However, somehow they got what they wanted. They were able to change the rules to suit themselves, and....the world sat back and allowed this.
  So suddenly the politically correct, see absolutely nothing wrong with one group given special privileges, and openly discriminating against not only Police Officers, but in regards to the Gay Pride Parade, they were allowed to shut the doors " This year, they have a list of “intersectional” demands: namely, that “queer people of color” be given control of all gay pride events (whether they worked on them or raised funds for them or not), and that police (including the D.C. Gay and Lesbian police unit) and corporate funders like Wells Fargo bank be excluded. "on folks they felt did not fit in with Gay Pride. WTF????
  This is (shit can't figure out how to change my print size) just a random quote I found, not even sure what the outcome was, but, it basically is where I have been trying to go with this rant. Whatever folks are trying to attempt to do here, and I hope it is to bring equality to all, because they certainly have a ton of support out there, and clearly a whack of power, it is doing the complete opposite. 
  One group is hated and despised by most because they believe they are superior (silly rabbits), and now we have a new group attempting to become the voice of power. Can someone tell me why they are any different? 
  They have managed to incite hatred towards Police officers, Blue collar workers (of the "white ilk") and created more lines of separation than where there before they showed up.
  If it was simply a matter of accepting a life, no matter what colour  body that life resides in, matters, I would be more than willing to become a member of this group. But no matter how you look at this, it is still two lines in the sand, two complete opposite MILITANT groups doing battle for their own. One is politically accepted at this moment, and one is hated (for very good reasons). If BLM continues to call the shots and flaunt the laws, are they any different than the neo-natzis? In MPO, they are not..just a darker shade of pale.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Living History

As I stated yesterday..I have a new job. It's not a whole lot different than what I did before..just a different setting. My previous job had me cleaning mainly empty rooms, this one has me cleaning rooms with occupants. Kind of out of my comfort zone, having to be somewhat sociable, after more than a decade of wandering along with my Ipod blaring music..and I do miss my music, because it does help me move a wee bit quicker.
  So, unlike the traveling public or working folks I dealt with back then, this time, I pretty much deal with folks that don't have a choice of where they are (no it is not a jail,LOL). I see them out of their element, some at what probably is not the best times of their lives, but for the most part, it has given me a new perspective on what will likely be my future, and it breaks my heart.
  Do you ever think of what life will be like if you are lucky enough to reach old age? Do you wonder if you will be one of the lucky ones, and have a grasp on all of your faculties? Will you have the ability to move about, granted with far more creaks and moans, but, still able to get out of bed, and enjoy the outdoors? Will you recognize others, who you have met throughout life? What about the simple pleasures, reading a good book, having a heartfelt laugh?
  Oh, don't get me wrong, I have often wondered what life has in store for me in my 80's , if I am so lucky. I consider my Grandmother, who had an amazing long life, and was bright as a star up until the end. My Dad, also lived a full life, and knew everyone right until his last moments. I have my fingers crossed, I am lucky enough to follow along this line of my DNA, because I have already been lucky enough to surpass my Mother's life span, and her Mothers..so there is a pretty good chance, I just might have a few more decades ahead of me.
 That said, there is a whole other possibility out there, a long life without the ability to go outside when I have the urge, or the most frightening, the loss of memory, or loss of limb use. Because the rest of the world doesn't see those affected in this manner, we don't really give it much thought, but there is a very high probability, this will indeed be the future for some of us.
  Those folks who suddenly find themselves in care, after lifetimes of independence, have not stopped being people! They are all someone's mother or father, or brother or sister. They have a very long past. They have struggled, they have rejoiced, they have feelings and memories, just some of them have lost different abilities, some, sadly perhaps, have lost their memories..how very sad would that be? That is what we have to lean on in times of despair, and sorrow, to lose that, would be the worst thing ever. That, I cannot fathom, although I know it happens. I wonder, though, what would be worse, to live day after day, confused, or to lay helpless, while one remembers life before?
  However, there is one thing that makes a difference no matter what..and that is company! I know, you may say, why bother if someone has forgotten their friends and family? Ahhhh..see..that is something I have found I feel a wee bit different about lately. I wonder because I have seen little tiny things, that make me think twice. I wonder if some of those who have dementia,..have moments of clarity..well..you know, I don't even wonder, I believe they do. I also believe that many simply give up, because they are lonely.
  I know..I always state how I prefer very little social interaction. But..keep in mind, I have family, and I have pets..oh and of course some pretty damn amazing friends! I have learned that being all alone, is awful, and I need contact with others I care about, to keep me sane. That is the big thing..others I care about!! People who matter in my world, people who have been along on the ride with me, who know who I am, and what I am like.
  So, my new experience has opened up a door to something I have never really seen before, and what the majority of the world never sees. I see Elders who have lived, for the most part, very long lives. I know for a fact, most are parents, which means they are likely Grandparents, and Great Grandparents, and yes, some Great Great Grandparents. Through the process of age, they have become incapable of caring for themselves, in a variety of ways, and are now living with a new family, one filled with others in the same stage of life. These folks are in fact, living history. Now, granted, not all of them can remember, and very few of them speak much, some not at all! But one cannot see them, without knowing..like you and I, they stepped in our same footprints, just ahead of us. They lived in far different times, much harder, without modern conveniences, many without hydro or hot water tanks, and flush toilets, and TV, and of course now, internet. They lived the past, I live the present, and my children and Grandchildren will live the future. Each and everyone of those old folks are Me and You!
  i don't work closely with them, and I have total respect for those who have the patience and love (yes, I see love in many caregivers), but, once one has experienced this side of life, it is impossible to not worry and wonder, what life holds for our future. I am frightened of living day after day, without friends and family. I don't want to imagine living 6 days with virtual strangers who have not been on this road with me , to have a visit on the 7th day, for a 1/2 hour..if I am lucky, and everyone doesn't have something more important to do.
  Please..do not think for a moment I am bashing anyone, because, I definitely do not walk in their shoes. I have just made my children promise, if I ever, with the passage of time, have to leave my own home, and live out the remainder of my days in some sort of assisted living place, they arrange something. If they can't visit me, they will hire someone nice..oops forgot to make that part of the deal..remember kids,..someone nice..to pop by and visit me on a steady basis. Someone from the outside world, a place that I take for granted, and likely each and every soul there, took for granted as well.
  I was taught growing up to respect my Elders, I know that they have lived longer than I have, and have experienced far more, they learned lessons long before me. They have the knowledge I am still seeking..and yes. some are probably not the nicest people in the world, but maybe they were at one time? Maybe age has simply been cruel to them? I know it hasn't been all that nice to me, and I am damn lucky, so far. I think, maybe respect isn't quite enough..I wish we could tap that resource, one of knowledge , and experience, and yes, of history. Every single one of those seniors has a story ..can you imagine reading a book filled with those stories? Definitely would be on the best seller list, and all over the world there are countless stories..imagine the lessons the future could learn!

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Life Change

  Note the title..it says Life Change..not Change of Life..LOL..although I could indeed go into the second issue, with tons of experience.
  Yes..I have been in the process of dealing with a massive life change. Who would imagine at 60, suddenly one would take a 60 degree turn, and have to learn a sh*tload of new tricks? I admit, I have not become any quicker at learning new things since I was in elementary school, quite the opposite, I find I need to write everything down, and follow a check list. But..hey..I love checklists..because one can watch the end getting closer, and feel a sense of accomplishment as those little check marks grow in number.
  So..I won't go into detail on my new position, except to say, once again, it requires a mop and water! WTF?? Back in the day, did I ever , for once , imagine my life would suddenly become a series of cleaning jobs? Geez..when I think back to my childhood bedroom, I can say with total confidence, my Mother would never have imagined me getting paid to clean!! We don't even have to go that far back in time..stop by the house..place is a constant disaster..perhaps because there is no pay cheque involved? Hey..I do try, however living in a place, constantly with others..and...4 flipping dogs, is a whole lot different than an 8 hour cleaning bash.
  So, my previous job taught me a whole lot. It was one of the hardest learning experiences in any work place I have had the "pleasure" of belonging to. That job actually burned me out, and badly! Somehow I took on responsibility that should have been left with my employers. That job became my whole damn life! I covered my own job and more than often, duties of many others. Now the burn out..well it didn't come as a shock, something like that hands out a whole whack of warnings. But, like most folks, I just assumed I was immune to things like this, because I knew the symptoms. Knowing those, and accepting them, are two different things..I didn't ignore them, I just figured I could manage. I couldn't!
  The burn out was not just physical, it was majorly mental..and I have stated more than once, I am a tad shakey when it comes to depression, burnout sent me right down the toilet! I tried to do everything in my power to halt this, I poured my soul out to my employer, explaining if I had to continue the way things were, I was not capable, but..that fell on deaf ears..I did say "NO", but wasn't heard. I was left with no recourse but to walk away..actually run very far away, because I knew if I didn't go far enough, somehow I would have been dragged back.
  The reason I write this, is because I am flabbergasted at how much this affected me. I am an old biddy!! In my lifetime I have done more than a few jobs that were not pleasant, but, I came away from them with experience, and picked up bits and pieces that have helped me through other jobs.This" Burn out", has in fact scared the crap right out of me!! It showed me that no matter what I assume I am capable of, there are limits, and if I surpass those limits, there is a huge price.
  Perhaps the price is so high, because I am older? Perhaps I was not aware that I can no longer do near as much as I did when I was 40? Well, thing is, if I pushed myself, I could indeed do it, however, if I did this continually, absolutely every part of my being would revolt. I imagine the fact that I was living alone with only a couple of dogs and an amazing friend that would constantly check on me, and a partner that would "listen" to the continual sob stories over the phone, was probably a good thing. I was no longer able to deal with people..I just didn't want to have to expend energy on anything , because I needed it all for my job. I hated everything, and everyone, including myself! Funny, I should have had the control to walk away much sooner, but life works in mysterious ways, and in my case, I kind of sort of, needed that income, and jobs in that locale were few and far between.
  So, clearly I made it out of that alive, but, surprise, the scars of that job will never go away. I told myself, I was past full-time, so casual was the way to go. How wonderful, maybe work a day here, a day there, some money in my pocket, and desperately needed social interaction. I went into this with the mindset not to repeat my mistakes. Hah! Clearly I have not learned quite how to say NO out loud, so people actually hear..including myself! I find myself falling right back into the habit of accepting way too much on my plate, and then hating myself. Not only do I hate myself, that which I call me, revolts, and I scare myself. I am so frightened of "Burn out" and see the symptoms once again, yet, I keep putting myself right in the middle of that road.
  I am getting old! I know it, I see it (vividly) and I feel it. I just have not quite learned to acknowledge it completely. I simply cannot do now, what I did 20 years ago..crap..even 10 years ago! My work ethics that were ingrained in me, to do my best, have got to get a touch up. I have new limits, and I am going to have to write up my very own check list, and when I put the required checks all the way to the bottom of the list, I have got to learn to put the list down, and step away.
  For the rest of my working life, that Burn out will forever haunt me. It is much like the time I got lost in the bush with my son, when he was very young. The experience is burned into my mind, and not every one has gotten lost, nor have they ever experience work place burn out, but, trust me...both affect one's life massively.
  If you ever get to a place that your job causes you continual depression, and I mean continual, when your job becomes what controls your whole life, and you absolutely dread each day. when you leave your work place, and can think of nothing but, how you are going to manage going in the next day. When you feel totally used up, and abused, be afraid. Because now when I feel worn out at the end of a day, and wonder if I have enough to complete another, even though it is very easy for me to say NO, at this new job (still learning my limits) I am scared sh*tless. Mostly I am scared that my previous job has damaged me so much, I am no longer capable of working like a normal person. The price I paid for that job, was life changing..I just hope I learned my lesson..only time will tell, I guess. So..wish me luck..everyone likes Casual..LOL