Snowballing into Darkness

O.K. I have spewed my issues with depression to the whole world on a few occasions. So, it is no secret, admitting and attempting to accept is part and parcel of who I am.
Those who do not know me well , see the side I work very hard to portray. I dig deep down inside, and work very hard to use my sense of humour to combat the darker side. Most of the time, I am able to ward something that is very hard to explain to those who have never experienced it, away. However, sometimes it is too big, and it is so frightening, because, I don't know how to control it. 
Up until now, I have never really had this illness ,( is it an illness, or is it something that is me?) addressed by anyone besides the host. I have indeed told the world, but I have only spoken briefly to my medical professional of it, mostly because when I have been in to see them, it was buried.  I know it is there, because one never forgets, you can't, it is a part of you that controls your brain, your heart, your very soul. When you know it is inside, you learn to watch for it's awakening, because you must be ready at all times.

Well, the demon awoke inside me. I had warning, I knew it was coming. See, I have lived with this monster for decades. I have tried to remember the first time we met, I can't recall it beyond my teenage years, so clearly it has been a parasite for over 50 years. Parasite is is good word to use. It feeds off my emotions, without a touch of stress, it would evaporate, I am certain, but, because stress is something that my mind and body appear to be adept at producing, it has found paradise. Sooner or later the flood gates will open within me, and this will find a smorgasbord to feed from. It has been in a feeding frenzy for almost 2 weeks now, not a moment of relief. And when it feeds, I feel it, sucking the life out of me, totally and completely running my world. It is all powerful, I feel it growing larger and larger, and I am scared sh*tless. 
See, I do not understand it, totally, but I have to have faith I can manage it. And I have survived so far. 
 I considered ending this back in my teen years. I believe that possibility disappeared when I became a Mom, and realized I could not cause suffering to others. So, perhaps that is my saving grace? I believe now, when this darkness takes over, I will find a way to stop at the final drop, at least I hope. I am ever so grateful that I have admitted  my illness. My friends and family know, and although sometimes it is difficult to believe, I know I have a support system, and I know they will rush in, and do what they can to push this back down, far enough so I can live life again. I cannot "stress" how this is the most important thing a person carrying this parasite needs. Without those who understand, just a wee bit, or even suffer this as well, I believe survival would not be possible!So, admission , at least in my experience, as difficult as it is, is absolutely crucial. 
Don't believe for a moment , attempting to explain this to someone else is ever easy. Admitting to anyone outside of one's comfort zone, that they suffer from depression, even, a medical professional, is very hard. I worry that , first they will not believe me, and second, that they will always look at me differently. Both of these possibilities are painful.
 Now there are lots of folks who claim they suffer from this, and cripes, I believe them! You hear it all over, and I imagine many of us suffer differently. In my mind, no one could possibly go through what I do, when I get smashed by it. But, I know that is wrong. I have indeed spoke to others, and although it does not fix the problem, knowing I am not alone, does offer some comfort. And..I have also stated, I have never felt the urge to seek medication. Until now! But, even that is a hurdle. I admitted to my Dr. I had this when I first went to her over a year ago. It was just an admission, I didn't dwell on it, just threw it out there. Maybe just in case, I don't know. I have come to realize how important admission is..so I did it. She knows, right? Well, for the first time ever, I was so frightened, I decided I would take the step, get something prescribed, because I was losing my battle. Geared up, called, and was told my Dr. was not available till the middle of next month. I was offered an appointment with another, but..there it was, the stigma..how could I explain to someone else, would they believe me? I know if I had to open my mouth to attempt to tell them what was happening, I would lose it. My emotions go insane when this cloud covers me. The humour is totally lost, there is nothing that can make me laugh, but the others are front and center. I cry without warning, and my temper is extremely short. Mostly I think because, again, in my world it is stress that brings this to the surface, and that is generally caused by others, and therefore, I just do not like people! I don't want, in fact I cannot, speak to others without extreme sadness, or anger..the only two emotions left in me. Clearly this is why, in the past, the need to simply close the door to the world, has been my solution. But, once the door is closed, the depression does not go away. Sometimes it festers and grows larger, or if I am lucky anger takes control, and I can begin to blow off steam, reducing the stress, and I can start to stuff this horror back down deep enough to go back to living.
So..here I sit, no medication, hanging on a very thin wire, knowing what is happening, and in a place where suddenly my illness is being questioned, and all that is doing, is making it next to impossible to self medicate to attempt to get my life back. The question is being asked by the very person who set me off on this nightmare train. Alright, they didn't know, not a clue, but, they just kept pecking away, doing everything they could to push the button, over and over, until here I am, on the edge, and the only thing I could do, is sit down, and try to put some of this out, so maybe I could read it, and maybe it would help. Not sure if it will, however, it has given me the time to decide how I am going to discard some of that which created this episode. I have come to realize I am totally done with an institution that is oblivious to an apparent common mental illness, again,partially my fault for not spewing this issue to everyone who I worked with, but, still I stated I was sick, and I was not believed. So, like most, struggling with this, I do not have the energy to prove myself.  I will walk away. I could start a fight, and without a doubt, I would win it, but, again, I am not strong enough to fight two battles, and must use everything I have to win the one I will have to fight for the rest of my life. Thank you all, for the first time, I feel positive..a few tears, but I will win..and survive!
I think I have mentioned before, this blog has been a God send to me. Putting down the words to attempt to explain what is happening in my head, often provides clarity in my little world. So, here it is, read it,or not. Just something I had to throw out to the world..I don't quite understand how, or why, this has made a difference, but I am ever so grateful.

An Eye For An Eye A Tooth For a Tooth

Yes, clearly I was raised in a Christian home. The title says it all. I went to Sunday school, I went to church (occasionally) and when required to state my religion (geez is that still politically correct?) I put Anglican in the allotted spot. I did follow things pretty close, got baptised (O.K. this was not my decision, but still happened) and then far later in life, I got confirmed. To add to my religious background, my Mother was raised Catholic..and went to a convent for some of her schooling. So...I have picked up a few bits and pieces of proverbs, and verses, that often spring to mind during my walk through life. 
The title used to frighten me, but like most things in life, I have learned to put my own meaning to things, and sifted through stuff deciding what I accept, and what I just cannot find a use for. 
In fact, now a days, folks often simply say "Karma is a bitch". Pretty much exactly what my title states. The other one that was pounded into my being growing up "Do unto others as you would wish they did to you"..new version "treat others like you want them to treat you", that one is a pretty good one to try and follow, but..it only works if everyone is on the same page. It is difficult when others clearly live by the motto "F*ck everyone else, and only worry about yourself". This seems to be the popular theme, so I am beginning to think myself the fool for attempting to do things my way.Kind of a waste of time to try and treat folks the way I wish to be treated when they are on the highway of h-ll , and out to get all they can, no matter the cost to others.
However, getting back to the eyes and teeth...in truth, personal gratification. Someone screws you, bingo..off you go to ensure they get screwed, and the cycle continues. Can't really see a good ending to this ..just everyone in the world not being able to see or eat, right?
 Oh, don't get me wrong, when it comes to the criminal justice system, I think perhaps we need a little more ophthalmology, and dentistry. Payment for doing wrong, should indeed gravitate a little more to the title. Yes, I admit here, in public, I am a believer in Capital punishment, when it fits the crime. We put vicious dogs down, don't we? But for petty sh*t in life, or wrongs committed by others, to others, what good does poking out eyes and pulling teeth do? It simply gives a sense of satisfaction to those who were not involved, and punishes those who also were not involved. Nothing is accomplished but the beginning of yet another cycle of the same. Now we have a world full of blind people, who are also angry because they can't eat meat(or salt water taffy for that matter). 
So, whether you have a religion or not, the saying that I was taught to attempt to live by, Treat others as you wold want them to treat you, is a pretty good format for life, don't you think? Problem now is, I have found it is very difficult to follow my teaching. I have been burned one too many times and lost way too many teeth in the process, without getting a single one! All I have left is some rotten ones, that constantly ache. My eyes, for that matter, are pretty shabby, trust me, not worth digging out for anyone. But I find someone is still pecking away at them. 
I hold no hope for the world today. We live in the past, but only if it suits our purpose. There is no future, because too many are fighting to get the pliers into others mouths, extracting a tooth for a moments gratification, and not giving a thought to the fact that one day the toothless will turn and attempt to gratify themselves, and they will be twice as mad, because, again, they haven't eaten well. 
 At this point in life, I am not quite gumming everything to attempt to sustain myself, and I have some decent glasses, that allow me to see.But, I have decided the safest way to keep the remaining teeth, is to ensure, once again, instead of treating others as I want them to treat me, I will simply shut the door. Just don't have the time and energy, nor the patience, and..yes eyes and teeth, to risk...Door is not padlocked, but I have the safety lock on...

What Is Grief?

I have sat down to write on this subject many times over the past 2 months. Massive words have been typed, copious tears have been shed, but each time, I just did not say what I wanted.
  One thing about writing over and over, and realizing it just isn't right , is, each time, I learn something new. My words are not what I want,but they make me think, and sometimes re-reading, allows me to go a little deeper into my emotions. Today, I suddenly understood something, something I never put together until this trip through devastating sorrow.
  On July 4th, my beloved dog Rupert would have turned 10. He left us/me on April the 5th, without any warning. We have no answers as to what caused him to go into severe shock, our Vet searched all avenues for a reason, and came up empty handed. I thought an answer may have helped, but now I realize, nothing would help. This experience would be the same, even if there was a reason. The same question would be asked, no matter what...why?
  I have also come to realize, at this point in our lives, our love for our Dog was not unusual. Our kids are grown, and after almost 30 years of having a house full of children, only to have them become adults, and live their own lives, Rupert came along at the perfect time. He became the center of our universe, especially mine. He came into our home against my express wish.
 We were about to say goodbye to our Nappy who we had for 16 years, and I did not want another furry soul who would likely leave before me, and cause grief. Yes, from the moment I fell in love with Rupert, in the back of my mind was the thought of how could I survive him passing?
  I had 2 days in which I said goodbye to our faithful friend Napoleon (Napitrue/Nappy)They were difficult. I thanked him for loving us completely for the years the kids grew, and putting up with some neglect, and asking for so little. We sat side by side out in the yard, he was devoted, always by my side, and it was so painful. But he was old, and he was in pain, and he was ready for the final rest. I will say, I was grateful we had Rupert before Nappy left us, because he was love. 
  Sometimes people are very lucky to find true love, sometimes they are even luckier to find more than one true love. I am one of those lucky people. But, the love I found with Rupert was so enormous. He was special, and he was full of love. He assumed the whole world loved him, because he loved everyone he met. Yes, he was spoiled rotten, and yes, our whole world revolved around him, but...his world revolved around us. We thought he was the best dog in the whole wide world. Sure he wasn't the smartest, but we would always say..he didn't need to be smart, because he was beautiful, and he knew that too. He had lab eyes..they would look so very sad, he would always be offered the last bite. He would do something "bad" and be punished, told to lay down..which he would do while he turned on the eyes, and his punishment would end quickly, because the eyes would break our hearts.
  The day he left us, was a total nightmare. Three of his family holding onto to him, not wanting to let go, pleading with him to stay, and only the eyes remained , right to the last moment. Those eyes were his greatest asset, they were used to attach himself to our world, and the moment they closed, our worlds were left with an emptiness I can't quite say I have ever experienced before.
  So we suffered. We felt what those who have defined the emotion of grief. It is enormous. If one has never experienced it, one cannot imagine. The best I have heard it put into words, is, like drowning, with the water and the waves continually crashing into you. Most everyone of us will at some time suffer this, and..in truth, it is only if we are lucky enough to love.
  I never once imagined that love would come with something so painful attached, but it does. Grief is completely balanced by how much one loves what is lost. Life can simply pause for an instant when a loss is experienced, and one can realize it is sad, but, moments later , things go on as normal. Mostly because, either it was not an integral part of life, or the loss did not impact one personally. But..when something that is loved so immensely, suddenly is gone, and nothing is the same, and there is a void, and every moment that which was, is no longer, the price for loving becomes the dark side of the greatest emotion known. Grief has to be powerful, because so is love. What brings the greatest happiness, turns backwards, and causes the unbearable pain. 
  So..suffice to say, Rupert was loved beyond measure, and for that, we pay the price of intense grief. I have questioned whether I could ever pay this price again, I wonder if I am able, are any of us, who love? But, what would the world be like if we protected ourselves from the possibility of grief by closing our hearts to love? Maybe the trick is never coming to this understanding? Maybe now I will forever worry about those left who I love? It is almost impossible to shield oneself from loving, and therefore, again, most everyone of us, will suffer the payment for the most pleasurable emotion, with the most painful. Nothing in life is ever free!