Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Sunday, 22 May 2016

Confusion Reigns

  I admit, my life is often filled with confusion. It is extremely seldom that anything flows along smoothly..instead little creeks branch off all about, there are dead pools, and waterfalls, and frigging sucking whirl pools.
  Right now, I am in the midst of one of those whirl pools. Kind of like when you flush the toilet, everything swirls around and around, before going down the drain. Imagine a spider on a piece of toilet paper, as you watch it spin, worrying that somehow it will crawl to the side, and manage to escape the looming death trap, in the middle of the toilet. I am that spider!!! Geez, not quite sure why I chose a spider as an example..guess I am truly losing it!
 Sometimes huge things come along in life. Oh, you know they are big, and they are going to use up absolutely every single bit of you to accomplish. You gear yourself up..you are almost at the point where you have convinced yourself..it is possible..I CAN do this..and then BAM!!! Along comes yet another massive issue, one that blows the first out of the water! Daunting is possibly the best word to describe this, intimidating..overwhelming..oh I could go on and on.
  When things like this happen, if they are not emergencies, I become totally useless. Because I think way outside the box..that is all I will do. I will think, and think, and sit and sit, and just get physically ill, because I cannot find a starting point.
  Like that spider, if I could find a tiny little dry spot on the piece of paper, one that would allow me to stand up without falling, and pick an area on the side of the toilet that the water isn't pouring on.I just might make a leap of faith, and start climbing out. I can't find the right spot, and I keep thinking the water is pouring every where..leaping is just not an option!
  So..besides feeling that I must have done something so very horrid in my life, that Karma feels the need to keep biting my A$$ over and over (one would think by now I would not have any A$$ left, but sadly even that perk doesn't occur). Yes, I feel sorry for myself. I wonder why it is always raining on my parade, when I see others have a constant source of sunshine. I just want a tiny bit of solar rays, just enough to warm things up a wee bit, and take the chill off.
  I have asked myself if this is some sort of test..and if it is, I flunked. I don't have an issue with flunking..experienced that continually in math class, and hey..it isn't so bad. What it feels like right now, is that time lapse when you hand your test onto the teacher's desk, knowing it is really crappy, and then again the next day when you see the marked results back on that desk. Once you have it back in your hands, you are not surprised, you kind of knew what the big red mark would be..maybe you didn't quite expect the E- but, the E was pretty much a given. Then the really bad part is pretty much over. There is no going back..just have to deal with things.
  Now that I can handle! The beginning and the end..it is the freaking middle limbo crap that drives me insane! All the little bits and pieces that are not clear, and that make looking for that safe jumping area, impossible. Right now, pardon the pun (inside "joke") the water seems to pour randomly, with no possible spot to climb.
  So...I will sit and sit, and think and think, and feel really bad that I have not lifted a single finger to begin the first, let alone the second of my karmic sh*t piles. They are really beginning to stink, but I keep sniffing my pachouli oil, and so far, I haven't started to gag!

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Potty Business

 First off..let me say..I understand, the world is not black and white, and I am NOT talking colours. I understand sexuality is a mixed bag at best, and I am a firm believer of "whatever makes your boat float", except animals..animals should not be included in this bag. I don't give a rat's behind who a person finds attractive. I may not find the same attraction, but...I have my own preferences, and that's just who I am.
  However, sometimes when folks set out to fix a problem (much like municipal by-laws) they don't look all the way around the little box, and implement things that raise a myriad of unforeseen issues. Then the "fixed" problem becomes bigger and bigger, because the rest of the world starts picking things apart, and...usually, in truth, comes up with a ton of questions with no answers.
  I see our Liberal leader is getting an award..an award related to one of his many causes, sexual equality. Hey..again, I am all for equality, remember I AM a female, and I do understand how changes are needed to allow all of us to be treated the same. That said, I also am a firm believer that we are NOT all equal. There are a ton of folks floating about who are much smarter than I am, there are folks far more artistic than I am, an incredible group far more patient, more soft- hearted..the list goes on and on. Equality is necessary in some, but not ALL aspects of life.
  I am also a firm believer that not all students should be allowed in the classroom. Yep..that is where my head sits. I believe children, ALL children deserve the right to a good education, and when special needs children are placed in the regular classroom, I don't care what people say, that takes away from the others. Suddenly a small minority take up a large percentage of time and effort, which takes away from the rest. This is NOT equality, this is placing a small number in front, and someone else has to pay for the change.
  This is how I feel on the Transgender issue, with bathrooms. See, I admit, I do not understand transgender fully, because I am NOT transgender, and I have never really sat down with someone who is, to have a nice long discussion on their problems in life.. This does not mean I am not open to sit down with someone and listen, because..I would love to learn more. We all have bumps in life, we all struggle with things that we find difficult, sexuality aside. I am someone who is extremely glad the majority of the world is finally closing their eyes to who someone decides to be with in their lives, and we are finally understanding it doesn't make a lick of difference on whether they are a good or bad person.
   That said..Transgender bathroom issues. O.K. again, not understanding this lifestyle (sorry if that is not the politically correct term) I do know that often Transgender folks dress as the gender they feel. My take, if this is so, they can head to the bathroom of that gender. If a male is wearing makeup and female clothing..it is quite obvious they do NOT belong in the Men's room. Sure, there might be one or two females who do not accept this, but again, I am not alone with my thinking, most understand, this is a women in a male body. We also understand, for this person to use the men's room would be terribly uncomfortable, no less than one of us heading in there..so...obviously the Ladies room is where they belong.Perhaps one would recognize they were not born female, however it is doubtful there would be a big kerfuffle.It is also doubtful anyone would be concerned they were there to check out little girls,....
  However, now we get to the touchy part...if a transgender person (now I am speaking of someone born male, no one seems to be addressing the other side of the spectrum, and..there is another side) wanders in, without their makeup and clothing, that is when problems arise. It is very easy for any male to claim they are transgender, if they feel it allows them access to the Ladies room where young children may be alone (geez..how long are children in the washroom before a parent goes to check?). This individual could have quite simply used the men's room, without incident. So....just looking around outside the box, trying to see all sides of things.
  It appears to fix an issue, we have created a bigger issue. I know very few women who would have opened their mouths to complain if a transgender male used their washroom. I know an awful lot of women that would complain if men started showing up in there. So why was this an issue to start? Why has government spent so long dealing with this problem? Are Transgendered folks going to have to take a test and get a card stating they are indeed transgender, allowing them use of washrooms suited to their sexual orientation? If a male is found in the ladies room without the card, they are in poopy kaka? This whole thing has been blown out of proportion, well in my personal opinion, anyhow. However, I am a small town person, and I have never been privy to watching someone getting kicked out of a washroom because they were the wrong sex, so perhaps I don't understand how this could have become such a sticking point in life that governments are wasting time and effort making new rules on where one pees!
  BTW..most ladies rooms have cubicles, and most ladies don't really care who is in the cubicle next to them, because..first off, piddling does not take a long time, and if someone is going to attempt to look into another cubicle well..that would certainly be grounds for complaint, but..cripes not likely to be a constant issue. Personally when I use the ladies room, I am in and out, often without seeing another single soul..and the person next door, I don't care if they pee sitting or standing, I just want to empty my bladder and get back to what I was doing.  We all have to pee sometimes, and...I will admit..at least once in my life I used the men's..it was simply the empty washroom at a time speed was of the essence.Am I in trouble?

Monday, 9 May 2016


  I was raised with the story of Joseph and his coat of many colours. Those of you who didn't spend most every Sunday in Sunday school may not know this one, but it was one of the few that stuck in my head, along with the Good Samaritan. I actually had a difficult time with Joseph, he took off, left his brothers to do all the work, and then showed up after messing up his life, and Bam..his Daddy hands him all sorts of rewards, while the hard working brothers stand by. Yes..this was a story that taught forgiveness, and told of a Father's unconditional love.
  Well, Joseph's Dad was a far better person than I am! Forgiveness comes very slowly to me. I have become jaded as I have aged, I tend to just wash my hands of those who screw with me, and then I dwell on the matter...sometimes for many years. I find it extremely painful to be used, and once it is done, the walls go up instantly, and everything pertaining to that which hurt, is trapped inside the walls, open to dissection when the urge hits.
  Now..first off, don't get me wrong, I am capable of forgiving, I am also incapable of forgetting. Depending on the pain, I can go back to things, looking at them under a microscope, picking at all the tiny pieces, and digging through all the crap that covers them. Sometimes, there is a ton of crap, and sometimes it takes me a very long time to come to a place that I can piece things back together.
  Usually I don't get to the crap for a  long time.  I don't want to touch that which festers, and grows within the walls. At first, the walls grow higher and higher to contain the stuff inside. It's like yeast, it just bubbles and doubles and triples in size, it consumes my world. It causes me to shut all doors that may lead to the chance of any more pain. Then I begin to hate..that is a real energy consumer. Not sure about you, but when I hate, I give it my all, and that in turn sucks the rest of life right out of me.
  Like depression, hate is uncontrollable inside me. I can't stop it...little things continue to aggravate, and things snowball. I revel in this...I gloat when something pops out to allow me to stick it into the reason to hate, all along I understand I am making myself ill, but..it is unstoppable. I have been done wrong, and someone is going to have to pay!
  In truth, guess who ends up paying? Not the person who screwed up originally, nor those who assisted, the assistants, well, they tend to get handed their own coats of many colours, while yours truly freezes.
  For me to forgive, takes an awful lot. I have to get to the root of how things arrived at the place that the sh*t hits the fan. I have to look at each and every piece of the puzzle, and like I said..clean the crap off it, and figure out what made the piece break off. I have to put myself in the place of those who caused the pain, and try and figure out what enticed them to decide to hurt me. What made it worthwhile to set me aside,and dig the knife deep.
  Funny thing..usually after unending hours of detective work, I come to the conclusion it is never one single person who causes me to build up the fortress of hate and disbelief. It is more often a series of little flying insects that land on the main individual, and drop off pieces of feces.
  See, keeping quiet when things are brewing, as I stated with SFTU, is a mistake. Not defending, not questioning, well, those nasty insects never stay quiet, they buzz, and land, and the little pieces of feces they drop each time, grow larger and larger, and then...crack!! The pieces start to break off, all covered in sh*t, so they are impossible to see.
  To forgive, I have to come to the place where I understand..I understand that silence and non-communication while shit was being deposited, was how this happened. I realize not everyone recognizes sh*t, not everyone is like me, and has to check inside and all around the box, sniffing. Sometimes I mistake the smell, and I have to eat a little sh*t, but most of the time, I catch it quickly. Others don't always smell it over the perfume of sweet smelling poison, and when I finally see, they really didn't sniff hard enough..I can begin to forgive. It wasn't all their fault, they were coated in perfumed sh*t dropped on them by those who  continually buzzed about, while I remained quiet and unsuspecting.
  Thankfully, I can say, I have smashed down one of the most enormous collections of walls built a very long time ago. There is still a ton of debris, and getting that cleared up will take a long time, in fact with all the environmental restrictions, the stuff may very well remain. But the empty space now has a sprinkling of colour, instead of total black, and for that, I am grateful!

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Mother's Day

Well..again, as I was sitting, I got to thinking...I never realized I belonged to one of the two biggest groups in the world. My group is matched only be one other..Fathers. There cannot be a group larger than these two...because LOL..without either one, there would be NO groups....Look at me..socializing!!! Truth be told, this group, large as it is, seldom has meetings..in fact, members are usually left to find their own way, some fail, but the majority somehow find a way to manage their membership dues.
  I know there are a whack of books and "self-help" groups out there, that state claim to have all the answers necessary for this all inclusive membership, but...that is B.S.! There are no set guidelines, rules have to be made as one goes along. Each situation is totally unique, and although some circumstances may seem the same..they are not. There cannot be set rules, because every single Mother out there has a heart and mind of their own, and every single one is given a child that also has a mind of their own. One can accept advise, and..geez..give it a go, it just might work..but..just because it worked for the other Mom..don't count on the same results with your child!
  Being a Mom is a lifetime commitment. It doesn't end after 18 years..sometimes the years after 18 can be the hardest...I remember thinking when I got my first child potty trained, I was going to have smooth sailing..Hah! That stinky poop was the easy stuff..the sh*t that follows is far harder, you can't just wipe it up and throw it away, or contain it into a pamper sized pile. Once they learn to sit on the toilet..your real job begins.
  No one is a perfect Mother, although I believe I had the best Mom in the world, and miss her dearly, even after almost 34 years..I also know she was not perfect.But she worked harder at her job, than I have at mine, and she is the standard I try to hold myself up to. Like her, I made a ton of mistakes, many of which I am reminded of. I know her mistakes, and I attempted to steer clear of those during my turn, but I made many of the same..funny that, eh? Maybe those mistakes are pretty difficult to escape? I hear others state they will be better Mothers to their children..Humm...good luck with that ladies..because again..each child has their own plans, and those plans just might (actually there is no might about it) screw with yours!
  It's the hardest position in the world..no doubt about that. Having a sick child, or one that is hurt, as a Mother, you know there is nothing more difficult. Trying to find patience when you feel you have scraped the bottom of the barrel, and licked up every drop..extremely wearing. Having your child expect something impossible to give, when they deserve a reward..painful..Constantly using that 2 letter word, even when you wish you didn't have to, hating NO likely just as much as your child.
  All along this, you are the mean one, the rule maker, the one who is "Hated" and the one they wish they could exchange for a nice Mom. If being a Mom was just this..no one would ever join that group. But..along with all that, there are some amazing perks to the membership. First steps, first smiles, first words..all of those are your rewards. To be a part of raising a child allows Moms to take a tiny piece of pride with each and everything your child does no matter how old they are..That is pay back..because as my Mom used to say..I brought you into this world (it escapes me what came after)..so...we are allowed to live vicariously through our kids even when they grow up. Of course if they screw up..well..again my Mom had a saying for that "That isn't the way we raised you". So, once children grow up..our culpability ends with just the good stuff..right?
  Again, one becomes a lifetime member, you can be 85 and there you are..still part of the group.
  I have reached perhaps the best level of membership, I have paid a huge pile of my dues, and although I will remain Mom until the day I die, and..yep, even after, I can look at my children and see, I did a pretty good job, they are healthy, they are good people, and...they all claim they love me (hey, I believe them most of the time) so....there you go..the biggest perk of the membership..pretty much unconditional love in return for the same..That is what a Mother has to give to be a member in good standing...Unconditional love..not easy, but most of the finer things in life take a lot of hard work!
  To those entering this group, best of luck..to those in the middle of it..stay strong..and to those like myself, sitting in the sunshine of latter Mothering..be proud of your accomplishments, and enjoy the day savoring the benefits!HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Friday, 6 May 2016


 Boy..seeing an awful lot of this, lately. Of course, by now, you know..I don't hear this! I am sick and tired of not only politically correctness..I am sick and tired of those who feel everyone should just be quiet. I understand, I am known as a mouth piece, I am known as a bitcher, I am known to spew, about a sh*t load of stuff..but..that IS my right!! Last I heard, we live in a fairly "free" country, and I can speak my personal opinion. But...I see that disappearing rapidly. I see all those mindless sheep sitting silently, somehow assured whatever is going on around them, is O.K. No one wants to rock the boat, no one wants to question, because..suddenly it seems there is an army of others who suddenly spring forth to bash any questions.
  When I went to school, I admit, I hated those kids who would put their damn hands up when the teacher asked "are there any questions?" The reason I hated them..because I wanted whatever was being discussed at the time, to end..I just wanted to get out of that class, and those who questioned just dragged things on longer. That was the attitude of an elementary student, and..sometimes a high school one. Life in those days had no responsibility (besides completing school) and I was in a rush to get onto the more enjoyable bits of my day when I was a kid.
  I am NOT a kid now! Things that happen in my town, my province, my country..those things affect me personally, and...they MUST be questioned! To be told something, opens the door to some simple facts we should have picked up while waiting for those kids to put their hands down. I have never forgotten the 5 W's..but, it seems the majority of folks don't give a rat's a$$ about those important words..I do!! WHO..WHAT..WHERE, WHEN...and the one that has been totally forgotten..WHY????? No one allows another to ask the WHY question, for some idiotic reason, to ask this, results in insults, accusations, and a barrage of STFU's! Someone always come up with a reason the question should not be asked, because circumstances are not proper. HELLOOOO!! So, just sit back silently, until everything is over and done, and then hope someone hears your little squeak..F#@K that!! That's what criminals do..they commit something at the moment, and then hope that they will get away with it That's what little kids do..they get into something, and if they are lucky, they are not caught, and when the time comes that things are noticed..they claim innocence.
  The time to speak up is another W word, WHILE..you open your mouth while something is happening that you do not agree with..and you attempt to either put a stop to it, or..fix it. You don't sit back, let it unfold, and then..when things are over and done..ask WHY?
  When one group, or even, yes, one individual thinks something is wrong, instead of shushing them, the proper thing would be to state facts, and offer acceptable reason for something to be done the way it is. If an individual does not accept this, they should be able to continue questioning, and maybe, just maybe..they have a valid concern. Maybe their concern will allow the mindless, silent sheep to suddenly realize...oops, something IS wrong.
  It is clear, we have entered a world filled with grown adults who have the same mindset as a school child...folks who would rather get things over and done with, without questions. A place where everything told to them by their "Teacher" is accepted as right, and not a single hand is raised for fear of bullies. Yep...The sheep now wear Pink shirts..they believe their opinions are the only ones that matter, if you dispute you are labelled by them, and they slam the door on anything they don't agree with. They believe that appearances are important, they believe that words, instead of actions are acceptable, they believe the country can be run as a place where Movies are forefront to emergencies. I understand what I am about to say next, is going to cause a whole sh*tload of pink to be thrown my way..but..Clearly they believe old people know nothing!!
  Until those entitled know it all's who sit in wait for anyone who opens their mouth, experience the reality of life, and understand to listen to those with their hands up in the air, because they may indeed learn something from another who opens their mouth, we don't have a chance in H-LL!
  BTW..I am not endorsing OLD people, and I am certainly NOT saying they are the only ones who are throwing their arm up in the air..I only say old people because it has taken me many years to realize those kids with the questions were the smart ones! I admit..I am a slow learner, still have a very long ways to go!