Literally! I never once imagined I would live a life full of sh*t! I also could have not predicted it would become sh*ttier the older I got.
O.K. nice segway, eh? But this is fact. Oh, I had a few years without sh*t. But, you all realize I gave birth to 3 children, right? Sh*t!! Lots of it. Over the years, kittens, and puppies, sh*t!! Winters, not so much sh*t, but come spring, sh*t tons of the stuff. Yes, I was responsible to removing, and disposal of this sh*t. It is not because I have a stomach of cast iron, because I certainly do not..I gag at the smell of sh*t.
I did some janitor work back in the day in a school. Had one student who apparently found it far more pleasant to sh*t in the waste paper basket in the wash room. Apparently toilets are dangerous to smaller asses? Hummm. I wonder if there is someone who developes proper toilet seat sizes for K to grade 4?
In my forties, I became a sh*t scrubber. Not sure how many sh*tty toilets I scrubbed over the years cleaning hotel rooms, but..I was certainly an expert at pooh glue. It is amazing how many jokes one can devise when faced with such sh*tty prospects every single day. For jobs this sh*tty, comedy is without a doubt, your best friend. Pooh glue is a word that describes a 15 minute scrub of a toilet that has sh*t splatters that resist the bristles on a scrub brush. Never saw myself standing over someone else's toilet to make a few dollars, but there I was!
Fast forwards a couple of reasonably sh*t free years, but , again, there was always some, be it dog or human. One never truly retires from sh*t, it is a fact of life, hopefully until the day one has their last bowel movement. TMI??? I was outside , just moments ago, taking stock of my life, and suddenly was struck by the fact that at 66, I am overwhelmed with sh*t!! Life has truly hit the sh*t olympic standard.
Now I am actually shovelling sh*t!! What the heck have I done? First it was chicken sh*t. Now that is a smell that truly makes me gag. I have 20 sh*tting chickens! Sure they do their thing outside, not bad, they have a big enough area, and they do believe in not sh*tting in one spot, so it gets dispersed and I have not been assaulted with a stench outdoors, so that is a good thing. However, the ladies do have a home, to sleep, eat, drink, and lay their contributions to their food in. Once a week, when I open the door, and have a whiff of excretment hit my sensitive nostrils, I haul out the shovel. Since it is freezing now, I have to use tools along with the shovel. One of those is a hoe. Yep, I have to release their sh*t from the floor before I can get it in the shovel. Oh, it is mixed with lovely wood chips, but in a week, there is little odour of wood, it is all sh*t!! I have not got a compost bin yet, so this shit and wood chips are hauled off to the fire pit (2 wheelbarrow loads) and unnaturally emit their offending stink far enough away from the house, in a smoldering fire. Floors and boxes are filled with the lovely wood chips again, smelling oh so wonderful for approximately 2 days. Eggs are sh*t free, and life is a little less sh*tty.
But, whoa, Debbie, what is that you say? Not enough sh*t in your life? We have a solution to that!! Get a cow!! No, not enough!! Get 3 cows!! Now the sh*t is really happening. Funny thing, folks, cow sh*t has become the one and only sh*t I don't really mind. It doesn't stink..well, maybe a little, but not gagable. At this time of year, it is hard as rocks, and if I was organized (which I am not) I could easily remove every single pile of sh*t without leaving a mark. It would take me forever, but facts are, unless it is minutes old, I can step in this sh*t and not cringe, might twist my ankle, but isn't going to come in the door with me. I look at all this sh*t and think, boy, my garden is going to love this! Sadly, dogs appear to love it, as well. There have been more than a few dog baths, before the deep freeze, but again, no gagging!
I have to admit, not once in my life (growing up in a town that did not have a single cow within driving distance) did I ever, I mean, ever, imagine I would enjoy such a sh*tty life! I do enjoy it. I wish we had done this before I reached the ripe old age that I am. I do pick up my chickens and pet them, we enjoy giving them treats on little hanging things that jingle, we love watching them run around trying to keep a piece of salad to themselves, while the others attempt to steal it. I enjoy walking in to find all their gifts sitting in the boxes, and no fear of starting to bake something, and realizing I am out of eggs...that isn't going to happen, ever! But my cows! I love them to bits. They are just little girls, the biggest is just to my shoulder, and they have their own personalities. These girls are going to provide dairy, not beef. Oh, I understand, if they have a bull calf, we will certainly have to come up with a plan, I understand, we are very limited on how many of these girls we have, because of property size, but, I am truly in my element with this new sh*t in my life.
I have finally learned to embrace the sh*t life hands you. I hope each and every friend of mine, finally realizes having a sh*tty life doesn't have to be a bad thing! Sh*t happens!!
