Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Sunday 11 November 2018

November 11th 2018

Today, as I took my time to remember, my thoughts have been on the past , not for an hour, but for the whole of the day.
  I was born September 1956! World War 2 ended September 1945! Suddenly I realized, in the pages of history, my birth was simply moments after the war. Perhaps that is why Remembrance Day is so important to me? 
  I understood today, why old people seem so alien to young folks. It is because we live in such different worlds. Old people have a past, a suitcase full of memories, that the young can simply not understand. 
  I began school in 1962, the very first year we moved to Stewart. For reasons I cannot explain, some of the memories from way back then, are vivid in my mind, while clearly book learning might have evaporated. I can see the large picture of Queen Elizabeth in her crown watching all of us in our little desks with the hole the inkwell would sit in (yep) . I wrote with a fountain pen, and then the more modern cartridge ink pen. I learned to curtsy, and the boys learned to bow, in case royalty ever arrived. Yes, we had to wear dresses to school, so I know when curtsying , one holds the right side of their bottom hem, between two fingers. Trust me..again, why this remained with me, I do not know!! 
  We said the Lord's prayer every morning, standing beside our desks. We got smacked by the yardstick, a ruler, the blackboard erasers. We sat on stools in the corner of the classroom, facing the wall for punishment. There was the ever present "strap", the fear of a phonecall to our parents. Notes from the teacher were delivered with quaking hands, without a moments thought of not handing them over. 
 Back when I was a child, Remembrance day was not a "holiday". I doubt anyone slept in that day. It was a day that was recognized by our community with as much heart and soul as July 1st. All school children would be at the local Cenotaph, in fact, it is likely almost the whole town would show up. Our Cenotaph was a fair walk from town. Back in those days, it was along the road to the dock and Hyder. It was never nice weather on this day, and perhaps feeling a little of the cold and wet, gave us a glimpse into what those we honour on this day suffered? The Cenotaph had a plaque, I remember it clearly, with names, some of which I recognized the surnames. Those were surnames of some who stood in silence, see, in 1962, these would have been the parents, or wives, or children of those who perished in World War 1 and 2. See, today, I realized, War was very recent to the child I was. 
  I joined Girl Guides when I was old enough, come November 11th, we were on parade, beside the Legion members, the RCMP, the Boy Scouts, the Missionaries, the Mayor, and all those who could not, and would not forget! 
  I did not grow up with air raid sirens..although I did live with the Cold War. But, I know now, many of those who stood beside me, back then, had indeed lived in fear of that sound. I didn't know what war brides were back then, but..I know there were some. We had people from other countries stand in silence. I had no clue what they had suffered then, but now I realize, they lived with war. My school friend with a Japanese Mother..who indeed lived in an internment camp in our country! German friends whose parents had escaped in war time, Dutch friends, the same...
  I grew older, and in High school, once again, War entered my world. A classmate from Alaska, drafted..He lived just a couple of miles down the road, and suddenly, one minute he is in the middle of Science Lab, and the next, his country is telling him he has to grow up immediately, and go to battle. 
  So, again, perhaps because it is still so clear to this old mind, why we take this time to stop, the time to place a Poppy by our heart, a moment of silence for those long since passed, or, sadly for those young lives that we seldom hear about, fighting today..Perhaps this is why so many do not understand the importance, because it is too far away from them?
  It is NOT a holiday!! It is NOT just a time to put a few dollars in the box to purchase a red poppy with a pin. It is, however, a time to understand, through a fluke of fate, we now live in a time we are not ordered or, even feel obligated, to protect our home and our loved ones, by going to battle. 
  My past has given me the opportunity to remember so much that those today, never had. It has only taken me till today, to recognize how privileged I have been, to be a part of over 6 decades. So, I will try to understand the world today, as selfish, and self centered as it seems. I will tell myself it is because so few understand our lives could have been so different, if the outcome of War had been in favour of the opposition, on more than one occasion. 
  Lest we forget...

Wednesday 3 October 2018

Childicide

Sitting here, wondering.....Did my parents give a rats ass whether I died? How did my mind come up with this question? Bears!!!
  As you all know, I grew up in a very small isolated community in northern British Columbia. When I say small..I mean that!! There were times when the community was counted in hundreds..and those were in the few. It was in what the world now calls the Great Bear Rain forest..LOL..that term always brings a smile to my face. The same area that we now see all the advertisements about Kermode Bears and save the Bears..and such..Big tourist pulls. The same tourists that are prone to initiating near death experiences along the highways now, when they screech to a stop with no care who is behind them, to photograph these bears. 
  O.K. I understand, if I took a trip to Australia and a Kangaroo hopped out in front of me, I might..and I say, might, screech to a stop..although it is unlikely I would even consider driving there..because it would be something new to me. But, like folks who come from Kangaroo prone areas, a Bear is simply a fact of life in my Rain Forest. It is no different than an Eagle, or a Wolverine, (O.K. I have indeed stopped to gaze at one of those, but I was hiking, and there was no one behind me), commonplace. 
  So Bears were everywhere. They were in the backyard, in the school yard, around every single corner. They were all black..never once saw a Grizzly in town..I understand this has changed over time..but..back in the day..just big black bears with cubs. I remember often checking out the window to see the bears in the yard, and having to wait until they left, before going outside. However, once outside..we were fair game. None of us carried a rifle while we walked. We were instinctively loud. We also never walked alone in certain areas, and we had enough respect for bears that we understood they were up the food chain from us.
  We wandered off in the bush continually. Not once.ever..was a single child harmed by a bear. We did not have cell phones to call home if one was spotted close by, and why would we bother..they were a fact of life. My mother would have told me not to bother her over something so silly as a bear!
  Clearly not a single child at that time was cared for near as much as children today!! Did our parents send us outside with the knowledge we may be eaten by a bear, without any warning or weapon? Were we less important than children today? I doubt this is true..although perhaps sometimes a Mother would have said something like "get outside, and don't come back" but, again, doubtful she would mean never, and silently hope her child was chomped to bits by Bruno the bear. So.....why suddenly is bear spotting immediately cause for a phone call to the RCMP (who generally just shoot to kill the animal) and blasting bear fear all about? Bears have not changed from the 60's....I think...it is unlikely suddenly their brains have adapted to a mindset to go off and chew up children..Why is it so important to call officials when wildlife shows it's face in areas that clearly border their environment? 
  Yes, we the people have created garbage far beyond what we had back in the 60's. Insane amounts of smelly crap, diapers, food containers, stink that shouts to bears..Garbage that used to stay inside homes until garbage pickup, now is stacked outside. Only ones to blame are people..who clearly fear bears. 
  I have apple trees, which each year bear massive fruit, and that is not used by us. Every year at least one bear shows up to feast on the apples. There are not a lot of home close by, I now have the yard fenced, but somehow the buggers still manage to climb over and satisfy themselves..and..I don't care!! They have chowed down on anthills behind the house, chewed up clover, and the only issue I have with this is..poop..they do not always poop in the bush! But..I have never, and will never, call on a bear!!
  You got kids? Teach them common Bear sense!! You chose to live next door to the bush..expect wildlife, and learn to share. Don't call the killer every time you see one, because that is the solution now, shoot the problem, and stop the complaints. Get a grip, and use your head. The bear doesn't want to deal with you, any more than you do with the bloody bear! Wait a while, and it will disappear, back to where it feels comfortable, and you can take a few precautions in your world to ensure there will be no problem. 
  I am just fed up with a world that does not understand they are not the sole residents of the area. I am fed up with folks who see fit to pick up a phone every time a creature wanders into their "space" not giving a minutes consideration they are basically assisting in the murder of this animal. No one is so clueless now to claim they didn't realize the solution would be a bullet. I'm fine with letting folks know there is a bear in the area..folks who may possibly come in contact, just a heads up..like we used to do.."take a friend when you go down Crawford's road"..because without a doubt there were bears wandering about. Make noise..stop look and listen..just like when crossing the road..keep an eye out..use your frigging senses!! 
  People have become so damn lazy!! They want someone to come along and take the "problem" off their hands, they just can't be bothered to expend a wee bit of energy to share their space.
  Now, I hear how people are so concerned about the earth, and how my generation is the reason we have so many environmental problems..KISS MY ASS!! The past 25 years have caused far more damage to our planet than we ever imagined! Now..clue in..use common sense, and clean up your holier than thou acts! Teach your damn kids they don't own the land, drive your electric cars, and feel so smug, when you place a call because a wild animal has wandered into your world..because you care so much more than those you blame this mess on. Plastic people, bottled water people, battery people..throw away people..Recycled is not something you invented..recycled is something we used to live by..things lasted back in the day..now they are disposable..along with any bear that has the bad luck to step foot on your space!!
  Teach your children to share, and respect..put down the phone, and enjoy nature, it is still all around us, and we need to learn to live with it!

Friday 24 August 2018

Sad Times

Well, if you have ever popped by to visit my little blog, you will know that I grew up in what would be called "Hick town, B.C.". A very small town that was pretty much isolated from the rest of the world for most of my growing years..very small town, no way out, was our postal code. Yes..there were ways out, by plane or by boat, but no road, so we were as isolated as they come..just like remote Alaska.
My town was resource based. That means, it boomed or busted depending on the price of metals, or wood. And, during my growing years, it did indeed boom and bust. When I first entered this town, it was a whopping maybe 400 people, but in a 5 year old eyes, population numbers did not matter. When I became a teenager that number rose dramatically when the mine brought in barge load after barge load of homes and cleared a ginormous (well in my eyes)town site which they set up for their employees and their families. This increase created schools, an ice arena and an olympic size swimming pool. That folks, is a "Boom". A Boom means the whole town's economy goes way up. Grocery stores enjoy an increase in profit, restaurants thrive, and town taxes enjoy a terrific boost, allowing more services for the community. 
Now, keep in mind, this "boom" created massive changes in our little town. A whole town site..can you imagine this going on now? Oh, all holy hell would break lose, folks would whine about their special hiking places been destroyed, or their enjoyment of peace and quiet being lost. They would moan about noise and pollution, and traffic, because a boom changes everything. But, in a town that survived solely on mining and logging, we welcomed this change, because it allowed our community to continue on, and grow.
O.K. those days have been gone a very long time. Resource based economies are no longer tolerated in many places. I for one can remember when our NDP government assured us that tourism was going to save the day.
Tourism may indeed assist big cities, with large ports and airports, and massive populations. But, truth is, tourism in many parts of this province is a short season. Not a whole lot of folks survive on tourist dollars when they are sitting in 5-6 feet of snow, and continual grey skies. and truth be told, even in the summer season, tourists do not bring many towns enough money to provide employment for more than a few folks. Not everyplace is Whistler , nor are they Victoria. Most simply offer .5 of a days interest for tourists, and then they move along. That does not allow much more than a few bucks spent in the local grocery store and restaurant, certainly not enough to pay Joe Blows rent. So, excuse me if I offend, but tourism is not and never will be the saving grace of many small towns.
Mining and logging, though never something that one will see in the middle of vacation heaven, can still allow Hick town B.C. to survive. They are NOT pretty, but strangely enough, the places these industries usually occur, are often incredibly beautiful, because they are often in the middle of no where. The people who live in the middle of no where do so without so many of the benefits those living in large places take for granted. Schools often have few teachers, hospitals (well since NDP, medical clinics) are generally just stop gap places with few services, and health is something that doesn't get near the same service as large communities. Discount stores, and malls are things that folks do without. They do not have the ability to "shop around" and look for the cheapest grapes, or a special on case lot bread. Their utilities are often far more expensive than large places, because seasons hit much harder.
That said, when a resource based economy is strong, workers can provide a pretty decent life for their families. They can ensure their family gets out of Hick town once in awhile to enjoy the bright city lights, because they are making a good living. 
Growing up, along with the massive town site, days began very early in the summer, with the sounds of bush planes flying at the crack of dawn. Log trucks would go through main street on a steady basis, dumping their loads off the side of the road on the way to Alaska, right near the boat dock. Mine buses would roar through the town site bright and early, and in the middle of the night, hauling workers back and forth up the road. Arrow trucks would haul day and night to the barge landing from Cassiar Asbestos. As a small note, back in those days, many of the town streets were gravel, and in the summer all that traffic would indeed cause dust. But, dust was a sign of a booming economy, and we thought it was good.Traffic and movement were blessings after years of bust, far more smiles when folks had a regular pay cheque coming in and could live life, instead of existing.
Those times have totally disappeared. Suddenly we now live in a world where the majority have no clue what physical labour is all about. Blue collar workers are frowned upon, because they have become "dirty" ,"noisy", and unacceptable, especially when the picture one wants to share with the economic boon tourists bring for the split second, does not include workers! No, we want to show the world a pristine community, with lovely painted buildings (trust me, I grew up when all of those buildings were actual retail places, and no one was worried if the outside paint was peeling). 
I took a drive around what was once the booming community I grew up in. I remember when all the town site homes were brand new. I remember when the schools were filled with students. I remember when the amazing Olympic sized swimming pool was brought into our tiny town by the dirty old mine. My recent drive, as maybe a "tourist" shocked the sh*t out of me!! Sure Main street was lovely....big boardwalk out into the Tide flats we used to wander about losing a rubber boot or two..lovely signs, and flowers. But, dead!! I say dead, because all it is is facade. It is not a bustling community. It is a pretty tourist picture, in a small section of town, the reality is shown when one leaves that tourist mecca. 
 Whole building that used to house large numbers of workers, falling to ruin. Townhouses, row upon row, that once were filled with families, now hidden behind years of brush. Homes boarded up, many in disrepair, yards overgrown, memories of trips up to the old Premier mine site long ago abandoned,came back, when I viewed what I remembered as a whole new town, filled with workers and wives, and children. It was, in truth, a painful experience. To see what happens so quickly when a town loses it's major employer, and nothing comes in quickly enough to keep it going. I find it difficult to believe those living there now do not remember these times, instead they appear to believe they are doing fine. 
Now, my husband and son are working back in this town. They are indeed Blue collar...because...I was raised by one who got dirty when he provided for our home, my husband was raised by one who drove truck for a living, and..my son sat next to his Dad in a log truck, before he even walked. So, now they have returned to the place it all began, to try and make a living.
Yesterday, my son was confronted by the local RCMP in that very town. He was told that he could no longer park his log truck outside of the hotel they were staying at. Log trucks were NOT allowed to park on any street in town, including side streets! If they were parked on property, it had to be 15 meters from the center of any road. They were not allowed to be in town with their trailers down. There is a parking lot close to the hotel, however there is also a sign stating no long term parking, no large trucks until after 10 PM, etc etc. The hotel has a parking lot, but clearly with two log trucks in it, there would not be room for other guests. The RCMP stated this was geared to any commercial vehicle over a specific GVW, and that he was giving warning for 2 days and then he would be handing out tickets. WTF??? So, my son and husband are working in this community, they are paying hotel rates and eating at local restaurants, all putting into the community economy, but now they will have to find some place acceptable to the District Bylaws, they can park and make their way to the hotel on foot. 
You have a whole section of a town that is falling to pieces, and since they are not the only log trucks from out of town, or, for that matter in town, you have a number of folks putting into the economy, but..they are not welcome. We will bend over backwards to kiss the a$$ of a tourist pulling into town for .5 of a day, someone who will hopefully at least buy fuel, and maybe a meal, but more likely they just want to get over the border for a quick visit and maybe glimpse a bear or two, and then head back the way they came in. You have a school now that covers all the grades, the elementary school sits boarded up, and 1/2 the classes are done by correspondence. In fact I believe this year you had one student graduate...Some restaurants close up for the winter. But, you spent time and money making sure that nasty dirty trucks did not offend your streets. Your water sucks..when it used to be the world's absolute best water...Your community moral sucks, no matter how hard one tries to make a silk purse out of a sows ear, it just won't work. Your goal is to make this town something it will never be, you cannot survive on a seasonal economy like tourism in a Hick town.When you take time and effort to put up road blocks to resource in a town that will only survive with resource (you have got to see that is fact by now) you will be the first to destroy what little you still have. 
I admit..I am old!! I am shocked at who I have become.I am that old B*tch that goes on and on about the "old days". But in today's world, I live confused. I am confused that the whining of a few, can affect the majority. I am confused when laws are set in place to make work difficult. I am confused when some accept so little, and assume that is good enough. I am confused when some can pay property taxes for a lifetime in a community, and suddenly someone new shows up, and calls the shots.
 It is no secret I have social issues, mostly because I can't stand things that don't make sense. I admit I am not always right, but I was taught that common sense would allow me to survive..now I wonder if this was the proper lesson, because it is blatantly clear common sense does NOT prevail.
 I have once again had my world turned upside down by things way beyond my control, even though I try very hard to stay in my own little bubble. This time, I am going to try and get as far away from people as possible..because when a community of hard working resource based folks turns into a Bylaw spewing, slowly but surely dying town, nothing makes sense to me, common or uncommon! BTW..No matter what I ranted on about..there are still some in that small town, those who were there back in the "old days" who remember what brings that town to life, I was just visiting..I respect those "oldtimers", who stayed, and wonder if they shake their heads at what has become of their town. 

Wednesday 15 August 2018

B.C. Is Burning

 Sometimes when I sit down and begin, I know immediately what I am going to put down is going to raise hackles. But, see, I can't keep quiet when something rubs me wrong, so just going to have to go with the flow, and likely pi$$ some folks off. 
Yes, my title, B.C. is burning. It is!! Forest fires all over the province, causing folks to lose their possessions, their homes, their way of life. Pushing stress and anxiety to the limits. I speak from some experience, as a few years back I , also had to pack up what was important to me, and flee my home. 
My heart goes out to all of those who have suffered through this. Unlike myself, many of these folks have indeed learned their homes have been destroyed. Without doubt, livestock has been lost, worlds turned totally upside down. 
I understand, forest fires are a fact of nature. As one who loves a good thunder storm, I know each time I sit and enjoy the flash of lightening, there is a chance it will spark a blaze that will cause damage. Such is the force of Mother Nature, and..sometimes the result of human carelessness. This happens without our control, this is a fact of life in the forest. Natural fires cause damage, and then Nature rebuilds, beginning with the cycle that has continued through time.
 However!!! As one who has grown up in this province, through many decades, and seen and heard about many fires, I find myself with more than a few questions on the Forestry practices in modern day fire fighting. 
Months ago, I was driving back from Prince George, and as I went through Fraser Lake, I could see smoke on the horizon. I stopped at a pull out along the way, and could see quite clearly where this fire was. It wasn't huge, but clearly it had potential for disaster. Now this is when the Forest Practices come into question. This is when one checks out the fire on-line (yes everything is on-line now) and reads "this fire is being monitored". O.K. no structures at risk, we will fly over it daily and use our beady little university trained eyes to decide if we are going to attempt to put it out. Hey, that is my personal take on things. Our fault for living in an area of the province that is sparsely populated. Not a whole whack of fancy vacation homes scattered about the back roads, here. Just farms, and the odd family who clearly enjoys space. Just because the eyes in the sky don't see any structures being compromised, does not mean the fire should not be put out! So, all this monitoring, clearly was a mistake. Now suddenly we have more than one community at risk, because Mother Nature pulled a few surprises, and it took off..like...Wildfire! Resources are stretched to the max, because there are so many other fires burning.
I am sorry....But I believe this monitoring business is sh*t!Winds in mountain valleys have minds of their own. They can change in an instant, and that is what happens between the time those eyes in the sky land, and spend their off time, before checking stuff out again. Mother nature does not do a 9-5 job, she is on the job 24-7. So unless these book trained monitors can hang around day and night flying back and forth, they are useless!! One too many times we have seen this happen in our province, and one too many times with disastrous results. Forest fires must be watched all the time, because they change so quickly. Did the books not teach this? With all the new doo dads and internet, and weather reports, and yes, university training..our Forest Fire suppression is worse than it was 20 years ago. Too many people who do not respect Mother Nature, and assume everything goes by the book! 
Have you ever seen Foresty fire crews at work? I did when I went through this blasted evacuation crap! I saw a lovely group brought in from New Zealand or Australia. I know... on the news we think yippee..help from abroad. This help is not free, by any means. This help costs far more than our own. This help would sit in the local restaurant because the road to where their equipment was left (oh, and at one time, burned up) was too muddy to travel. Oh, and also their camp was set up in a totally different community, 45 minutes from our town. This meant every morning at starting time..they would all pile in the vehicles and drive out to the fire area, and every afternoon, they would pile in and drive back to the other community. I do not have access to the time sheets, but I imagine the travel time is either extra, or...taken off the actual time worked.I also expect there was a monitor left out in the area. But..while these folks were going back to the camp, local loggers were busy building fire guards, and....they were not stopping when the bell rang. 
Forest fire fighting has like so many other things, become big business. Our government has no issue dishing out big contracts, for those in business. Rules and regulations, well, yes, I cannot dispute the serious dangers involved in this work. But, I remember a time when locals could volunteer to try and save their community. Now, well, like everything else, you need a ticket for this, a ticket for that, and few are qualified. I remember when folks would simply be driving through an area with a fire, and they would be stopped and conscripted to fight it. I remember when someone with a pair of binoculars would spot a fire and almost instantly someone was fighting it. I remember as a kid a fire breaking out on the mountain above town, and within hours along came a plane, flew over a few times dousing the flames, and it was out. No one monitored it! Back in those days, we had locals who knew the area, who knew the winds, and would use their expert knowledge to do what was needed. Now we have "experts" who have read all sorts of books, but live in the lower mainland, or maybe the Okanagen, or even Ontario! These folks show up with their minds wrapped around some concept that worked in the last fire in Timbuktu, and figure we can just repeat the game plan here. 
This time B.C. is burning quickly. We have found ourselves with monitored fires suddenly becoming aggressive overnight. Hellooooo!! That is what bloody well happens! We have locals asking if fire guards should be built, and the experts stating they are studying this to see where would be best...Talk to the locals!! Talk to the loggers, talk to the guides, talk to those who know their land, and their winds. Leave the bloody books and computers at home. Each and every forest fire in British Columbia is a dangerous one. It does not matter if they are miles from structures, they move quickly when they want, and then it is too late. 
Statistics will prove that monitored fires often go rogue, and wind is usually the catalyst. Our fire fighting resource is often pushed to the max in the Okanagen. This area takes up a huge part each and every year, because of population. Structures abound in these parts, and fires occur continually. In MPO our provincial Fire protection is based solely in this area..the rest of the province must deal with whatever is left. Government weighs the population numbers, and look, Telegraph Creek, Fraser Lake, Burns Lake, hummm..low numbers, low media coverage, we will give them what we can, but we must concentrate on the important areas. Go ahead..call me on this...
Maybe it is time for our less populated, heavily forested areas to have their own Fire Protection services, provincially funded, of course. Let the Okanagen have theirs, but let us have a resource in place that can stand up when needed, and concentrate on our area. Don't leave our area to sit and accept monitoring, instead of attack. You only monitor when you assume something is going to stop, you don't monitor until something has grown too large to handle. Let those who know their land, save their land. Instead we have to accept someone who does not have a stake in anything, telling us what the proper procedures are, and then, when they f*ck up (because they have!) they simply walk away after the fact, with nothing lost. 
When humans are confronted with the possibility of losing all they have acquired, they will fight to save what they can. I am well aware that personal property is not worth lives..however there is a line, and our government has removed the ability to fight to that line. They clearly believe they know better. I think we now see they don't. 
As a blurb, near the end..let me say, never do I dispute the fact fighting forest fires is a dangerous profession. I admire those who spend their lives keeping fit, and working in extreme conditions. Thank you, so much for what you do!! That said...it is past time to change the policies of Forestry when it comes to fighting fires..because this just is not working!!
MPO

Friday 27 July 2018

Snowballing into Darkness

O.K. I have spewed my issues with depression to the whole world on a few occasions. So, it is no secret, admitting and attempting to accept is part and parcel of who I am.
Those who do not know me well , see the side I work very hard to portray. I dig deep down inside, and work very hard to use my sense of humour to combat the darker side. Most of the time, I am able to ward something that is very hard to explain to those who have never experienced it, away. However, sometimes it is too big, and it is so frightening, because, I don't know how to control it. 
Up until now, I have never really had this illness ,( is it an illness, or is it something that is me?) addressed by anyone besides the host. I have indeed told the world, but I have only spoken briefly to my medical professional of it, mostly because when I have been in to see them, it was buried.  I know it is there, because one never forgets, you can't, it is a part of you that controls your brain, your heart, your very soul. When you know it is inside, you learn to watch for it's awakening, because you must be ready at all times.

Well, the demon awoke inside me. I had warning, I knew it was coming. See, I have lived with this monster for decades. I have tried to remember the first time we met, I can't recall it beyond my teenage years, so clearly it has been a parasite for over 50 years. Parasite is is good word to use. It feeds off my emotions, without a touch of stress, it would evaporate, I am certain, but, because stress is something that my mind and body appear to be adept at producing, it has found paradise. Sooner or later the flood gates will open within me, and this will find a smorgasbord to feed from. It has been in a feeding frenzy for almost 2 weeks now, not a moment of relief. And when it feeds, I feel it, sucking the life out of me, totally and completely running my world. It is all powerful, I feel it growing larger and larger, and I am scared sh*tless. 
See, I do not understand it, totally, but I have to have faith I can manage it. And I have survived so far. 
 I considered ending this back in my teen years. I believe that possibility disappeared when I became a Mom, and realized I could not cause suffering to others. So, perhaps that is my saving grace? I believe now, when this darkness takes over, I will find a way to stop at the final drop, at least I hope. I am ever so grateful that I have admitted  my illness. My friends and family know, and although sometimes it is difficult to believe, I know I have a support system, and I know they will rush in, and do what they can to push this back down, far enough so I can live life again. I cannot "stress" how this is the most important thing a person carrying this parasite needs. Without those who understand, just a wee bit, or even suffer this as well, I believe survival would not be possible!So, admission , at least in my experience, as difficult as it is, is absolutely crucial. 
Don't believe for a moment , attempting to explain this to someone else is ever easy. Admitting to anyone outside of one's comfort zone, that they suffer from depression, even, a medical professional, is very hard. I worry that , first they will not believe me, and second, that they will always look at me differently. Both of these possibilities are painful.
 Now there are lots of folks who claim they suffer from this, and cripes, I believe them! You hear it all over, and I imagine many of us suffer differently. In my mind, no one could possibly go through what I do, when I get smashed by it. But, I know that is wrong. I have indeed spoke to others, and although it does not fix the problem, knowing I am not alone, does offer some comfort. And..I have also stated, I have never felt the urge to seek medication. Until now! But, even that is a hurdle. I admitted to my Dr. I had this when I first went to her over a year ago. It was just an admission, I didn't dwell on it, just threw it out there. Maybe just in case, I don't know. I have come to realize how important admission is..so I did it. She knows, right? Well, for the first time ever, I was so frightened, I decided I would take the step, get something prescribed, because I was losing my battle. Geared up, called, and was told my Dr. was not available till the middle of next month. I was offered an appointment with another, but..there it was, the stigma..how could I explain to someone else, would they believe me? I know if I had to open my mouth to attempt to tell them what was happening, I would lose it. My emotions go insane when this cloud covers me. The humour is totally lost, there is nothing that can make me laugh, but the others are front and center. I cry without warning, and my temper is extremely short. Mostly I think because, again, in my world it is stress that brings this to the surface, and that is generally caused by others, and therefore, I just do not like people! I don't want, in fact I cannot, speak to others without extreme sadness, or anger..the only two emotions left in me. Clearly this is why, in the past, the need to simply close the door to the world, has been my solution. But, once the door is closed, the depression does not go away. Sometimes it festers and grows larger, or if I am lucky anger takes control, and I can begin to blow off steam, reducing the stress, and I can start to stuff this horror back down deep enough to go back to living.
So..here I sit, no medication, hanging on a very thin wire, knowing what is happening, and in a place where suddenly my illness is being questioned, and all that is doing, is making it next to impossible to self medicate to attempt to get my life back. The question is being asked by the very person who set me off on this nightmare train. Alright, they didn't know, not a clue, but, they just kept pecking away, doing everything they could to push the button, over and over, until here I am, on the edge, and the only thing I could do, is sit down, and try to put some of this out, so maybe I could read it, and maybe it would help. Not sure if it will, however, it has given me the time to decide how I am going to discard some of that which created this episode. I have come to realize I am totally done with an institution that is oblivious to an apparent common mental illness, again,partially my fault for not spewing this issue to everyone who I worked with, but, still I stated I was sick, and I was not believed. So, like most, struggling with this, I do not have the energy to prove myself.  I will walk away. I could start a fight, and without a doubt, I would win it, but, again, I am not strong enough to fight two battles, and must use everything I have to win the one I will have to fight for the rest of my life. Thank you all, for the first time, I feel positive..a few tears, but I will win..and survive!
I think I have mentioned before, this blog has been a God send to me. Putting down the words to attempt to explain what is happening in my head, often provides clarity in my little world. So, here it is, read it,or not. Just something I had to throw out to the world..I don't quite understand how, or why, this has made a difference, but I am ever so grateful.

Wednesday 25 July 2018

An Eye For An Eye A Tooth For a Tooth

Yes, clearly I was raised in a Christian home. The title says it all. I went to Sunday school, I went to church (occasionally) and when required to state my religion (geez is that still politically correct?) I put Anglican in the allotted spot. I did follow things pretty close, got baptised (O.K. this was not my decision, but still happened) and then far later in life, I got confirmed. To add to my religious background, my Mother was raised Catholic..and went to a convent for some of her schooling. So...I have picked up a few bits and pieces of proverbs, and verses, that often spring to mind during my walk through life. 
The title used to frighten me, but like most things in life, I have learned to put my own meaning to things, and sifted through stuff deciding what I accept, and what I just cannot find a use for. 
In fact, now a days, folks often simply say "Karma is a bitch". Pretty much exactly what my title states. The other one that was pounded into my being growing up "Do unto others as you would wish they did to you"..new version "treat others like you want them to treat you", that one is a pretty good one to try and follow, but..it only works if everyone is on the same page. It is difficult when others clearly live by the motto "F*ck everyone else, and only worry about yourself". This seems to be the popular theme, so I am beginning to think myself the fool for attempting to do things my way.Kind of a waste of time to try and treat folks the way I wish to be treated when they are on the highway of h-ll , and out to get all they can, no matter the cost to others.
However, getting back to the eyes and teeth...in truth, personal gratification. Someone screws you, bingo..off you go to ensure they get screwed, and the cycle continues. Can't really see a good ending to this ..just everyone in the world not being able to see or eat, right?
 Oh, don't get me wrong, when it comes to the criminal justice system, I think perhaps we need a little more ophthalmology, and dentistry. Payment for doing wrong, should indeed gravitate a little more to the title. Yes, I admit here, in public, I am a believer in Capital punishment, when it fits the crime. We put vicious dogs down, don't we? But for petty sh*t in life, or wrongs committed by others, to others, what good does poking out eyes and pulling teeth do? It simply gives a sense of satisfaction to those who were not involved, and punishes those who also were not involved. Nothing is accomplished but the beginning of yet another cycle of the same. Now we have a world full of blind people, who are also angry because they can't eat meat(or salt water taffy for that matter). 
So, whether you have a religion or not, the saying that I was taught to attempt to live by, Treat others as you wold want them to treat you, is a pretty good format for life, don't you think? Problem now is, I have found it is very difficult to follow my teaching. I have been burned one too many times and lost way too many teeth in the process, without getting a single one! All I have left is some rotten ones, that constantly ache. My eyes, for that matter, are pretty shabby, trust me, not worth digging out for anyone. But I find someone is still pecking away at them. 
I hold no hope for the world today. We live in the past, but only if it suits our purpose. There is no future, because too many are fighting to get the pliers into others mouths, extracting a tooth for a moments gratification, and not giving a thought to the fact that one day the toothless will turn and attempt to gratify themselves, and they will be twice as mad, because, again, they haven't eaten well. 
 At this point in life, I am not quite gumming everything to attempt to sustain myself, and I have some decent glasses, that allow me to see.But, I have decided the safest way to keep the remaining teeth, is to ensure, once again, instead of treating others as I want them to treat me, I will simply shut the door. Just don't have the time and energy, nor the patience, and..yes eyes and teeth, to risk...Door is not padlocked, but I have the safety lock on...

Sunday 8 July 2018

What Is Grief?

I have sat down to write on this subject many times over the past 2 months. Massive words have been typed, copious tears have been shed, but each time, I just did not say what I wanted.
  One thing about writing over and over, and realizing it just isn't right , is, each time, I learn something new. My words are not what I want,but they make me think, and sometimes re-reading, allows me to go a little deeper into my emotions. Today, I suddenly understood something, something I never put together until this trip through devastating sorrow.
  On July 4th, my beloved dog Rupert would have turned 10. He left us/me on April the 5th, without any warning. We have no answers as to what caused him to go into severe shock, our Vet searched all avenues for a reason, and came up empty handed. I thought an answer may have helped, but now I realize, nothing would help. This experience would be the same, even if there was a reason. The same question would be asked, no matter what...why?
  I have also come to realize, at this point in our lives, our love for our Dog was not unusual. Our kids are grown, and after almost 30 years of having a house full of children, only to have them become adults, and live their own lives, Rupert came along at the perfect time. He became the center of our universe, especially mine. He came into our home against my express wish.
 We were about to say goodbye to our Nappy who we had for 16 years, and I did not want another furry soul who would likely leave before me, and cause grief. Yes, from the moment I fell in love with Rupert, in the back of my mind was the thought of how could I survive him passing?
  I had 2 days in which I said goodbye to our faithful friend Napoleon (Napitrue/Nappy)They were difficult. I thanked him for loving us completely for the years the kids grew, and putting up with some neglect, and asking for so little. We sat side by side out in the yard, he was devoted, always by my side, and it was so painful. But he was old, and he was in pain, and he was ready for the final rest. I will say, I was grateful we had Rupert before Nappy left us, because he was love. 
  Sometimes people are very lucky to find true love, sometimes they are even luckier to find more than one true love. I am one of those lucky people. But, the love I found with Rupert was so enormous. He was special, and he was full of love. He assumed the whole world loved him, because he loved everyone he met. Yes, he was spoiled rotten, and yes, our whole world revolved around him, but...his world revolved around us. We thought he was the best dog in the whole wide world. Sure he wasn't the smartest, but we would always say..he didn't need to be smart, because he was beautiful, and he knew that too. He had lab eyes..they would look so very sad, he would always be offered the last bite. He would do something "bad" and be punished, told to lay down..which he would do while he turned on the eyes, and his punishment would end quickly, because the eyes would break our hearts.
  The day he left us, was a total nightmare. Three of his family holding onto to him, not wanting to let go, pleading with him to stay, and only the eyes remained , right to the last moment. Those eyes were his greatest asset, they were used to attach himself to our world, and the moment they closed, our worlds were left with an emptiness I can't quite say I have ever experienced before.
  So we suffered. We felt what those who have defined the emotion of grief. It is enormous. If one has never experienced it, one cannot imagine. The best I have heard it put into words, is, like drowning, with the water and the waves continually crashing into you. Most everyone of us will at some time suffer this, and..in truth, it is only if we are lucky enough to love.
  I never once imagined that love would come with something so painful attached, but it does. Grief is completely balanced by how much one loves what is lost. Life can simply pause for an instant when a loss is experienced, and one can realize it is sad, but, moments later , things go on as normal. Mostly because, either it was not an integral part of life, or the loss did not impact one personally. But..when something that is loved so immensely, suddenly is gone, and nothing is the same, and there is a void, and every moment that which was, is no longer, the price for loving becomes the dark side of the greatest emotion known. Grief has to be powerful, because so is love. What brings the greatest happiness, turns backwards, and causes the unbearable pain. 
  So..suffice to say, Rupert was loved beyond measure, and for that, we pay the price of intense grief. I have questioned whether I could ever pay this price again, I wonder if I am able, are any of us, who love? But, what would the world be like if we protected ourselves from the possibility of grief by closing our hearts to love? Maybe the trick is never coming to this understanding? Maybe now I will forever worry about those left who I love? It is almost impossible to shield oneself from loving, and therefore, again, most everyone of us, will suffer the payment for the most pleasurable emotion, with the most painful. Nothing in life is ever free!

Sunday 18 February 2018

I apologize

Just moments ago I posted a blog. I hit the button, and then realized I had made a mistake, and not checked all my facts. I have deleted the post, and if it does pop up somewhere..I apologize. I screwed up!