Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Monday, 29 February 2016

It's A Farm, Not a Petting Zoo!

 Four young porkers in the front row uttered shrill squeals of disapproval, and all four of them sprang to their feet and began speaking at once. But suddenly the dogs sitting round Napoleon let out deep, menacing growls, and the pigs fell silent and sat down again

 As an old bag, I have (as the song says) looked at life from both sides now. Heck, I have known, loved and hated, more than my fair share. Mixed in, I have liked and disliked even more.
 I remember old people back when I was young, I remember thinking how impossibly old they were, and how set in their ways.."old fashioned" ways. Now I am one of those. Unlike my predecessors, my world is much different. Although I may not have agreed with some of the "elders" ways, and certainly I didn't want anything to do with them, they were pretty boring...I DID respect them! I realized they knew a whole sh*tload more about life than I did, they had raised families, they had managed to survive through depressions, wars, hardships that I never endured, so..they had paid their price, and for that I had to offer them the honour of respect. It wasn't difficult, because, even back then, I think I knew, life was about to get much harder, and I also would have to face struggles. I am sure there are more struggles ahead, because I hope I still have a nice chunk of time left, but, sadly, those coming up behind me, just don't have a clue. That respect I gave, well, it has disappeared, I will not benefit from the honour given back in the day. Hey, I can live with it, but, it is sad, and a sign of the ignorance that humanity has chosen to accept.
  See, somehow, people have forgotten where they came from. Well cripes, some of them didn't even lace up their shoes to go anywhere. Everyone now gets a ride to where they want to go, because for some strange reason, they feel they deserve to zip along the game board without waiting their turn. Again, such is life...But, there are those who started at the start area, bare naked, with the dice in their hands. They lucked out, someone came along, and threw the dice for them, and got them all set up . They didn't go to school for years of education, they didn't live from hand to mouth to try and get ahead, nope..they were freaking lucky, they were in the right place at the right time, and someone else grabbed their hand and sprinkled them with fairy dust! Now, I am not saying they didn't have to pick up the slack, but, when they had a nice big crunchy carrot dangling in front of them, that allowed them to get all they wanted, how hard is it to go along for the ride?
  Now, suddenly because they are still sparkling in the sunlight with that magic dust, they appear to have forgotten that not everyone got coated in the stuff. They have forgotten that they are where they are, simply through a fluke of fate, not because they are special, but because they were damn lucky!! They forget that some of the rest of the world happened to be standing at the start area with them.
  Now, I have to imagine those sparklers think the dust was shared evenly, and they just happened to be somehow better then those who no longer shine as brightly, but obviously the bright light emanating off of them, blinds them to reality. The world now, appears to revolve around their ideals, what benefits their own tiny world the most. They have become accustomed to focusing on what allows them to live the lifestyle they presume to think outweighs everything else. Because they receive an nice income doing what they do, any and all who oppose any progress, become ignorant, granolas..tree hugging, industry stoppers, complainers.
  See, the whole world is wrong if they are not willing to open every door up and place industry first and foremost. These folks actually have produced a new generation, who, apparently will live just as well, and comfortably, shining brightly with their inherited fairy dust covering.I imagine they think, those they have produced, will indeed live just as comfortably as they do. Well, hopefully far wealthier than they are, because to shut their mouths and accept sh*t, means their offspring are going to be paying a f*cking huge price for the basic necessities! If anyone has the nerve to open their mouth and complain..well..stand up on that high horse, and holler at the audacity to even suggest something is wrong! Clearly all must shut up and sit back so the sparklers can continue on, this is their road, they have no complaints, except for complainers.
  Someday, when the shine rubs off a little, and income becomes just one of the many struggles they deal with, and...when something they find disagreeable pops its ugly head up in their face, I am sure they will just sit quietly. Of this I have no doubt.
  They have a very long road ahead of them, they might be lucky, and continue having everything go their way, but that is doubtful. H-ll, they may even live long enough to exist in a world they appear to relish, one that quietly accepts...But, although they seem to think they are the only ones who know what is right and what is wrong, they will never be at the top of the totem, so..one day, someone with a ton more glitter than them, will decide something that might not sound so agreeable... and they will of course, sit back, shut up, and never utter a word of complaint.


  I did not write this to be rude, nor did I write this to direct at any one person. I wrote this, because I believe we have a right, and a responsibility to dispute things which we do not agree with. The day we lose that right, we are in serious trouble. The day those we elect to run our country and in turn, rule our lives, forget our rights, we are lost! To keep silent..is the beginning of the end!

Me Time

Well..sort of me time..more like dog time, with some me time mixed in..However, that is pretty much the way of my world, and..a decision I accepted many years ago.
  Having A dog, is a huge decision. Your whole world changes, much like when you bring a child into the world. It is no longer simple..Want to take off for a few days? Hah! You have two choices, take your puppy (mine are  still puppies, and will remain so forever) or (O.K. maybe 3 choices) have an awesome friend who loves dogs as much as you do, and doesn't mind an extra 4 legs wandering about their home, and last, get a dog sitter. I know, folks in larger paces have the kennel option, but, that is unavailable in my area(and...I highly doubt I could ever leave my dogs with strangers).
  In my world, the most common, because I am beyond the extra 4 legs, and now have 8 legs to care for, is taking them along, wherever I go. Yeah...the other day, I thought how very nice it would be just to have a day and night without hair up my nose, and a damp mop attached to one arm to remove the continual muddy dog prints..I do have my moments. I can remember long drives that did not result in a big gob of dried drool on one shoulder, because my oldest baby insists on placing his head between the seats, and resting it at the perfect level of my arm. I remember starting out, throwing a nice clean blanket on the seats, to keep them dog hair , dog dirt free..LMAO..those days are long gone, everything we own is definitely not allergen free! Hey, maybe we are all allergic to dog hair, but..if so, we have learned to live with it, and it certainly hasn't killed us.
  I can't quite understand my dogs. See, a normal day, they would be let out first thing in the morning, around 6:30, maybe they would go out again just before 7:30, and then I would go off to work. The two of them would wait patiently until 11:30, when I take lunch, and always drive home (I used to have to walk). After that outside time, they would be stuck until 3PM. Hey, they manage quite fine. However, now that I am having "me time" and home with them 24-7, suddenly it seems their bladders have suffered set backs. For some reason they take turns whining at the door every 1/2 hour. Whats with that? I admit, I have indeed raised my voice, asking them WTF? No answers yet....
  Our dogs are not well behaved. They do all the things one is not suppose to allow. They watch us eat, and build small puddles of drool as they do so. They get bits of people food,(yes, I know, this is why they watch us eat) which we must ensure are dealt evenly between the two..not sure what we think will happen if one gets more than the other..most likely hurt feelings, which would make us horrid "parents". They lay on all the furniture, they drink out of the toilets, dripping water as they move along. One has a wonderful habit of taking a mouthful of food, and then walking away from her bowl, dropping pieces (perhaps leaving a trail, in case she forgets where the bowl is?) all over the floor. If you have never stepped on a piece of dog food in bare feet, you can't imagine how one tiny little dried up piece of crunch can turn a full grown human's ankle. And the final insult..they sleep in our bed.
 Of all the bad parenting habits, this is the worst! My honey dreams of a king sized bed, we have never had a bedroom that would allow a bed this size, and walking space, so..queen sized, it is. 2 NOT lilliputian sized humans, and 2 lab crossed dogs (one of which is damn large) squeezed onto a queen sized bed. Now, I make the bed! All of the sheets and blankets, and the duvet are designed for a queen size bed. I cannot understand why, if I am the last one in the bed (generally happens) there is, if I am lucky approximately .5 inches of bed covers left for my comfort.I worry about catching a cold in my kidneys, as my back is always without coverings. I have almost perfected falling asleep laying on about 8 inches of bed. The trick is to lay on one's back, allowing one leg on the bed, while the other dangles over the side. This is acceptable, only if you have the ability to cover your body with at least a bit of the sheet. For a reason, I have yet to understand, dogs become twice their weight upon closing their eyes, so wrenching the blankets from under them, becomes physically impossible! I am lucky, usually during the night, one,or perhaps both, will decide they are perhaps too warm, and will leave the bed. I must manage to grab covers during this time. Not quite sure what happens while I sleep, but they are back in bed when I open my beady eyes. In fact, usually the reason I open my beady eyes is one of them has decided I have had enough sleep.
  Now, we have added to our 8 legs..My honey has his puppy who travels in the log truck with him, and our son has his puppy, also learning to co-pilot. So, this "me time" has been filled with at times, 16 legs...8 of which decided to take themselves into the bathroom, and chew through the linoleum flooring, and continue right down through the 1/4 inch plywood under that. They were very particular, they chose the area surrounding the toilet, and because of access, were only able to create a large hole on one side of the toilet. It was pretty amazing how quickly they were able to do this, and the amount of wood chips that resulted from this remodel. So, now when one sits down to have some real "me time" one must ensure they position themselves in the correct manner, as to not cause the toilet to wobble.
  Upsetting? Yes! Costly, definitely! However, these are two puppies, they certainly did not wake up, and premeditate destruction. There is nothing they can do to fix the mess. It is unlikely they will ever do this again (I hope), and although it looks horrible, and it isn't going to be fixed for awhile, we will all survive.
  See, dogs are a huge decision, they cause messes, they can destroy belongings, your home, and your person is never completely neat and clean, but...."me time" would be extremely lonely if it was simply ME. With all of these legs roaming about, and all of the fur and drool that needs to be cleaned constantly, I am never without a purpose. Perhaps it is the empty nest syndrome..the kids grow up, and all those years of caring for two legged humans, have created the habit of needing to continue to care? My life, I hope, will forever be filled with warm furry bodies wandering about on 4 legs, without my puppies, I would not be Me!

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

My Decent Into Madness

I often surprise myself. Although I consider myself a somewhat private person, I have put some pretty personal stuff out into the wide web world. It's not easy to share some of this, but, it is, in some ways, harder to keep it socked away. I also wonder..there have to be others struggling with some of the same hard issues I am dealing with, so maybe if they see they are not alone, it might help.
  I have admitted to all, I have stood at the edge of the dark hole, and even fallen in, a few times. It has been decades since I entered the dark, and I have been lucky enough to sense when I am getting too close to the edge, and found a way to step back. My way, relies on my ability to recognize the pathway, and I have posted a mental sign at the opening, so when I see that sign, I do whatever I can, to make a slight turn. I understand, I am lucky. Some folks go through life, never coming close to the hole, but, for reasons I have never quite figured out, that pit has followed me for a very long time. Others have not found the ability to see the sign, and unless you have been at the bottom of the hole, you can't truly imagine the hopelessness that surround you.
  It begins as a tiny wisp, like a cloud blocking the sun. I use this metaphor, because we have no control over the sky, and those who fight this illness, truly have no control over what their mind decides is going to start pulling them down. Somehow the thin cloud starts to billow, it is joined by other tiny wisps , and it grows and grows, turning everything dark.
  My defense begins when I realize the tiny cloud has begun to grow. In my mind, I feel I have the power to control, and, up until recently, I did pretty darn good. There are things I must put into place when the shadow crosses the light. Usually the darkness creeps in, because something occurs that I cannot control, something that puts a halt to the normal routine. It is often something that has happened many times in the past, but, for some reason, because of timing, it is just a little too overwhelming, and the cloud begins to form. I generally try and distance myself from what has set the darkness in motion. I talk to myself, I try to bury the instigator, and..most times this is done by separating myself from the outside. I know, this is probably not the best way to deal with depression, but I am never completely alone, I always ensure I have someone I know and trust, to keep and eye,or an ear on me.
  No one should stand at the edge without a friend with a rope. I also realize, to tell even a friend what battle you fight, is not easy. It used to embarrass me. Back in the day, folks who struggled like I do, were considered weak, and no one wants to be seen as a lesser person. I am grateful times have changed, but as one who is heading into her 60's, I still carry the stigma of the past. My illness is no longer a secret, but when I begin to suffer a bout of it, I still sometimes wait a little too long to admit it, and to cry for help.
  Today I write, because my friend threw a rope, and I grabbed on with all my might!
  I ignored the sign, although I saw it was flashing. I got a sh*tload of other warnings. I was physically, and mentally exhausted. Not something that goes away with a few good nights of rest, this exhaustion weighs a ton. I could function, I could laugh and joke, but, it is not quite the same..I had to work hard to pretend, which also, adds to the exhaustion. I didn't lay in bed, and think about things, instead I would lay there, and think of how very tired I was, and that I was going to have to get up in the morning, and I knew I would still be worn out. I wondered how I was going to manage to talk to people, to do what I was suppose to do, day after day. I felt it was impossible to pretend, to listen to others problems, and care, and then have that added onto my cloud. I lost the ability to allow the rest of the world to enter my space. I didn't want anything, even something nice, from anyone else, because I had too much to carry of my own.
  This time, the whole world was swirling with so much stuff that I could usually shovel off to the garbage pile, but, because I had moved past the sign, it all joined the wisp, and became blackness. I think hermits generally suffer depression. They understand that it is often difficult to deal with one's own life, and when the added burden of others begins to pile in front of your face, burdens that are usually self made, the mind just cannot bear it. So, they go away, where they only have to work on themselves, because for reasons I don't understand, they cannot block the non-personal. I, myself, cannot block it all the time, and this time, it became too much.
  I have a ton of sh*t going on in my world. I speak of it often, but I doubt there are more than a few who know how very hard life is right now. I am grateful there are some, and those are the ones who I can be myself with. For months I have lived a routine, that allowed me to get through each day, with the faraway light I was aiming for. But, somehow, the garbage of others began to pile up in front of me. Every single day, it was something else, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not get away from it. It messed with the routine, and therefore it blocked the light. I began to get angry, then when I tried to set things right, and it became apparent this was a losing battle, and I was the one left holding the sh*t, I gave up. To go through each day, knowing that what you have to deal with, is wrong, and unfair, begins to cloud things. What you were taught, and the lifetime you lived following specific guidelines, suddenly was a waste of energy. In fact, all you did was a waste! Words of apology, and compassion do nothing to solve continual disregard for your own personal welfare.
  Yes, this time I allowed myself to hang over the edge, I was actually ready to fall in, I saw no way out. This time, I was able to accept all the hard stuff that I knew had to be done in my personal world, I am not a weak person, I knew I could manage, if I concentrated, and found a routine. It was when the outside totally f*cked with my routine, when the wisp grew into the night, that I needed the rope.
  I am still hanging onto the rope..not quite back onto solid ground. I am checking myself, to see if I can go back to where the hole lays, and stay on the right side of the sign. Another light has been turned on, to help me, there is a safe place, now. I know I am sick..this time I was damn scared, because I forgot my own rules..I have placed the bandages over the cracks, and will step back into the real world to test the light. I am ready to run the moment I see the sign..because somehow I forgot how very awful and how very dark the hole is!

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Just Say No

How many times have I heard that expression? Just say no, heard it today about 10 times. I understand...It sounds so easy. I really wish I could do it. It is not that I can't speak those words, it is not that I don't think them on a daily basis..I tell myself to do this hundreds of times a week.
  I have no problem speaking the truth...as I have stated before..it is far easier to spill the beans, than to try and keep facts in order when one lies. That I have mastered. It is drawing a line that I seem to have a serious problem with. I have limits..I know my limits, they have become far greater as I have aged. The past year has seen me reach my limit much faster. I can no longer bounce back as quickly as I did in my younger days (last year). Aging is a strange process, sometimes it happens overnight, and that is basically what has occurred in my case.
  See, the past few years have been very hard, physically on me. I have worked pretty steady, with far less time off, than years previously. I would have a bad day, every once in awhile, when I felt worn out, but then I could manage for a couple of weeks, before the ache and weight would set in. I suppose that is why people my age, begin to think of retirement, and start to slow down. They just are not built to work like 35 year old folks any more. Cripes...even 50 seems young to me, right now.Now those bad days come in long stretches. I am quick tempered, and all it takes is a small bump in my daily routine, and it is just too much to handle. I set out at the beginning of my work day, all geared up..I know what has to be done, and I convince myself I can manage it. Poof...someone decides to tweak my plan just a little bit..maybe throw an added job in, that was not expected..That's it...suddenly my body starts hollering...it is not going to accept anything more! It screeches at me, I know I will pay a price for going beyond the limit, and even before I perform what has been dumped on my plate, I am beyond tired. When I do what has been handed to me, what ever energy, relaxation, personal time, that offers me a tiny bit of "Me", has been eliminated.
  See, although some don't think I have a life, just because I don't go out, I don't drink, I don't socialize, I do have personal pleasures. Most of those allow me to forget my job, as mundane as it is. Things like my dogs, my books, my yard, my rest..those are mine! When I am asked to forgo the small pleasures I enjoy, I begin to suffer. When I suffer..all those around me follow suit, because I become miserable. When I go beyond miserable, and become physically worn out, I begin to despise all!
  I work, mostly because, at this time, I HAVE to. I realize, without my job, first, I would not get a wage, and second, I would likely go crazy..in a nice clean house, but crazy none the less, because I do need something to break the monotony. Lately, the only thing monotonous has been work. It has taken over every single moment of my life! It has thrown drama into my days, caused stress, and required me to give up what little ME time I have.
  I have tried to explain that I cannot give what is requested. It is obvious to all who see me, I am exhausted, but still, somehow, even when I have admitted I can't do any more..out of no where, someone squeezes a little more blood from the stone. I want to holler "NO!" I explain how difficult it is, how I don't like doing it, how I am tired, how I am upset, all of which is dismissed. No one else steps up to the plate, no one else is somehow responsible, no one seems to understand..I am trying to save myself.
  So...today, because I said everything but No..because I made it totally clear I am very unhappy, because I was basically informed this is the way it has to be, I reached the point of no return. I have been pushed to the limit I am capable of. I cannot, and do not wish to, bounce back from this. As of now...I say NO! I will not worry about what ramifications this has in my world, because all around me, I see others who have made a habit of saying NO, and it has not rocked their world, a tiny bit. Today I will be fair to ME! I am the oldest, I have worked the longest, and the hardest (except for the semi-retired), and it is time for someone else to pick up the slack. So..when I go the extra mile tonight, what will allow me to manage it, is the knowledge that it is the very last time, I will ever forget to just say NO!!

Thursday, 4 February 2016

Lost and Alone

 Fuuny...When I clicked in, to begin this, I had the title "Envious", in mind, but..this kind of titled itself, and HOLA..it is so fitting.
  See, the past 4 months, or so, have been some of the loneliest I have ever experienced. Of course it began when my honey, and then my son, had to leave home for work. Hey..I've learned from years of him working away from home, to deal with "single" life, but..before it was for set periods..2 weeks, 21 days, now we are looking at 3 months, 4 months. It is winter, therefore I am not about to drive 12 hours to visit for 2 days, and he certainly cannot drive a total of 24 hours with 48 off, so..here we are, living the good life in economically f*cked Northern British Columbia!
  However, I am "lucky", I have a job. This gives me reason to get up every morning, and leave my house. I get a smidgen of social interaction with other human beings, and a wage that allows us to manage to make ends meet, just barely.....
  As you must know by now, I do not love my job. This is certainly not the reason I battled my way through high school, banging my head against a wall, and just squeaking through enough credits to receive my Dogwood. This is not the dream I had as a fresh faced graduate of CFB Cornwallis. This is not what I wish for my children to strive for...but it is a job I am capable of doing, reasonably well.It does not give me a sense of pride, nor does it allow me to indulge in the luxuries of life, it just a mundane, labour intensive, mediocre job! However, it's mine, and in these times, I am grateful to be employed.
  The difference I have had to adapt to, these past 4 months, is, my partner has retired! So, not only has my beloved left to work away from home, the one person who allowed me some semblance of sanity in my workplace, has also left.
  I knew, between the two of us, we found a kindred spirit. We are both from the same generation, we both have the same work ethics, we both were brought up, if you didn't put your nose to the grindstone, your employer would let you go, and replace you, with someone who did. Maybe she was even worse than me..she was always setting the bar, higher, and higher, and some days, I tried to stop her, because after awhile, we were the only idiots attempting to meet that bar, while all around, everyone else walked underneath...But, set it, she did, and I had to follow, because that is what partners do, right?
  She kept me sane..As you can tell, I have a tendency to vent, and she would always be there, to let me blow off steam and then, help me pick up the pieces and carry on. Oh, hey..I did my share, too, because, although she didn't reach boiling points often, sometimes she simmered pretty hard, and then, it was my turn to steady her. We made a good pair..and between us, we survived a sh*tload of crap. Oh, she had to manage a few times, without me, when I took lay-offs, and she just put her head down, until she got home, and we would spend time talking things out, but I think she is stronger than me....This is not the first time I have had to hoe the row on my own, resorting to phone calls to drag me back into the world of the living, but..this is the long one..I am alone until I reach my end..she has returned to the world of "normal", I still reside in the Cuckoo's nest.
  So, my mornings are not quite as welcome, to live alone, and basically work alone, has made me, (a person who hates crowds, and finds social gatherings extremely uncomfortable) very lost. I miss my balance, my sidekick, my voice of sanity in a world that is often insane. I am almost afraid, because I am doubtful I can do this by myself. I am trying to rely on music, to keep the outside where it is suppose to be, this is going to take some learning, and a whole lot of phone calls!!!
  I am not selfish..she certainly worked hard, and deserves to enjoy her retirement. I just wish she could have waited, or I could have won the lottery, and we could have walked out those doors, into the sunshine, together.
  Enjoy your retirement, Irenie Reen..you earned it, the hard way!!