Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Sunday, 16 August 2015


One word..5 letters that can turn a person's life upside down. What an important word..love is important, but, without trust, love is not worthwhile. Without trust, you have nothing but fear,and assumptions.Everything in life is controlled by this single word.
 I used to trust. I trusted my gut..my instinct. It did me proud for many years, but..one time, and one time only, it failed me. That one time, has changed my life completely. I do NOT trust more than a very few. Thank goodness I can trust those, and I do it without hesitation, I have a piece of my life that is lived without doubt, without fear, but it is a tiny piece.
  I question everything else, and everyone else. I question those involved in the day to day dealings with the few I trust. I cannot stop questioning. All it takes is a tiny little whiff of an off smell, and BAM..."oh, oh, watch out, this is not right"!
  Things in life are set to run a certain course. When you make a commitment to another, be it a job, be it a relationship, specific things are expected. Heck, it isn't a great long list, it is just just that, which forms a foundation of trust.
  As I mentioned, love, has to have a very strong foundation of trust. Oh, I used to always be asking my honey "Who is so and so?" "Why is she there?" "Why is she talking to you? Do you know her?" But, that is a game, if I truly worried, I would never have let him out of my sight. He has never given me reason not to trust him, and therefore, he has my complete trust.
  Friendship..whoa there is one thing that would never survive without trust. Friendship is a funny thing, because, seldom do friends live together, therefore there is a whole whack of time they do not know what one another are up to. Friends have social lives beyond each other, and with busy lives, that is understandable. They may have children, who oblige them to spend time with other families. They may have hobbies that are not shared with their friends, so they have many different circles, within their friendship. Hey, that is normal, that is natural, but, as the saying goes, friends have each others backs. A friend will listen to garbage, and...repeat the garbage to their friend. They will give their friend the ability to know what is happening behind their backs, and allow them to cover their backs. A friend will, in fact stand up and dispute the garbage. To be a friend is harder than to be a lover. When others know you are in a relationship, they are not prone to bad mouth your partner, but..friendship is less protected. It is difficult to be a friend, sometimes, but, all it takes, is to share total trust, and I know that is possible..I will protect those I hold dear, and I will try my very best to uphold the trust they put in me. I may at times question the few friends I have, but those times will pass by, and whatever caused the questions will either be forgotten, or...that friendship will be deemed unworthy.
  But, to have such a difficult time with trust, in day to day life, fills every moment with doubt. I am not sure if it is because I am always digging through and outside that damn box, but, if I cannot get the answers immediately to whatever question pops up...the possibility of trust flies right out the window.
 My take on things is, if I go into something, I need to know all the rules. I need things set in stone, if it is fish on Friday every week, then it better be fish 3 months from Friday. I don't want someone to decide instead of fish, this week it is going to be lobster, because it's close to fish, they both live in water. The day fish becomes lobster, then the rules crumble, and things continue to fall apart. I don't want to spend my time wondering what next Friday is going to bring...maybe caviar, maybe frog eggs, fish is fish!!So, the moment the fish is replaced, is the very moment trust disappears..that is the moment I realize things are not as they are suppose to be, and then I want to step away. I do not want to waste my time wondering, worrying, carrying the weight of doubt about on top of the extra poundage I already have.
  I am far too old to waste my time trying to figure sh*t out, my qualifications for trust are pretty damn high, but...I refuse to change them. I have finally managed to have some of my standards rub off on others within my trust group, and I am grateful, because, now they have started to sniff the air checking for the whiffs of stink, and I am no longer feeling totally alone.
  Trust, without this little word, there is nothing!