Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Thursday, 4 February 2016

Lost and Alone

 Fuuny...When I clicked in, to begin this, I had the title "Envious", in mind, but..this kind of titled itself, and HOLA..it is so fitting.
  See, the past 4 months, or so, have been some of the loneliest I have ever experienced. Of course it began when my honey, and then my son, had to leave home for work. Hey..I've learned from years of him working away from home, to deal with "single" life, but..before it was for set periods..2 weeks, 21 days, now we are looking at 3 months, 4 months. It is winter, therefore I am not about to drive 12 hours to visit for 2 days, and he certainly cannot drive a total of 24 hours with 48 off, so..here we are, living the good life in economically f*cked Northern British Columbia!
  However, I am "lucky", I have a job. This gives me reason to get up every morning, and leave my house. I get a smidgen of social interaction with other human beings, and a wage that allows us to manage to make ends meet, just barely.....
  As you must know by now, I do not love my job. This is certainly not the reason I battled my way through high school, banging my head against a wall, and just squeaking through enough credits to receive my Dogwood. This is not the dream I had as a fresh faced graduate of CFB Cornwallis. This is not what I wish for my children to strive for...but it is a job I am capable of doing, reasonably well.It does not give me a sense of pride, nor does it allow me to indulge in the luxuries of life, it just a mundane, labour intensive, mediocre job! However, it's mine, and in these times, I am grateful to be employed.
  The difference I have had to adapt to, these past 4 months, is, my partner has retired! So, not only has my beloved left to work away from home, the one person who allowed me some semblance of sanity in my workplace, has also left.
  I knew, between the two of us, we found a kindred spirit. We are both from the same generation, we both have the same work ethics, we both were brought up, if you didn't put your nose to the grindstone, your employer would let you go, and replace you, with someone who did. Maybe she was even worse than me..she was always setting the bar, higher, and higher, and some days, I tried to stop her, because after awhile, we were the only idiots attempting to meet that bar, while all around, everyone else walked underneath...But, set it, she did, and I had to follow, because that is what partners do, right?
  She kept me sane..As you can tell, I have a tendency to vent, and she would always be there, to let me blow off steam and then, help me pick up the pieces and carry on. Oh, hey..I did my share, too, because, although she didn't reach boiling points often, sometimes she simmered pretty hard, and then, it was my turn to steady her. We made a good pair..and between us, we survived a sh*tload of crap. Oh, she had to manage a few times, without me, when I took lay-offs, and she just put her head down, until she got home, and we would spend time talking things out, but I think she is stronger than me....This is not the first time I have had to hoe the row on my own, resorting to phone calls to drag me back into the world of the living, but..this is the long one..I am alone until I reach my end..she has returned to the world of "normal", I still reside in the Cuckoo's nest.
  So, my mornings are not quite as welcome, to live alone, and basically work alone, has made me, (a person who hates crowds, and finds social gatherings extremely uncomfortable) very lost. I miss my balance, my sidekick, my voice of sanity in a world that is often insane. I am almost afraid, because I am doubtful I can do this by myself. I am trying to rely on music, to keep the outside where it is suppose to be, this is going to take some learning, and a whole lot of phone calls!!!
  I am not selfish..she certainly worked hard, and deserves to enjoy her retirement. I just wish she could have waited, or I could have won the lottery, and we could have walked out those doors, into the sunshine, together.
  Enjoy your retirement, Irenie Reen..you earned it, the hard way!!