O.K. It is happening! I have known it for some time, now, subtle changes, after living with me for so very long, I noticed. Hugs come far easier for me, guess that was the first hint. Growing up, I was never a hugger, in fact, hugs made me a tad uncomfortable.knowing they were coming from the regular folks, made me instantly stiffen up to accept, and inwardly sigh with relief when they were over. I was not raised with an awful lot of affection, pretty much the basics, no pats on the back, job well done, we are proud of you..just to get through a day without getting sh*t, was seen as an accomplishment in my world. Hey, it gave me a pretty strong back bone, and again. laid the foundation for one who has managed to get through some pretty tough times, so I am grateful for this. I, in turn, raised my children somewhat the same, not quite as stringent, but not mushy. I hope that I gave more affection than I received growing up, and I know my kids hug far easier than I did, so..perhaps it wasn't so bad.
But getting back to the hugs...I hand them out pretty freely now, and strangely enough, I don't even consider perhaps someone might be like me, and stiffen up beforehand. Something inside just clicks, and it happens, without thinking. I have to hug. I have to somehow let the other person know, deep down inside, the moment is special, and they are special. Is it because I know I am running out of time? Maybe. Is it because throughout life, I have come to understand that sometimes there is no tomorrow, and I can't afford to wait until the time is right to let others know they matter to me? Probably.
Now, because I hug, does not mean that suddenly I have laid off b*tching, because I certainly have not! Things bother me just as much as they did before, however, I think perhaps I have finally realized, I can only change some of the crap that irritates me, and most definitely not all. I know I am a tiny voice in the swing of things, my screeching, no matter what one was taught, that every voice matters, only matters to the few in my little world. I am not going to change the world, not even my own. Not an easy thing to accept, but slowly and surely, I am coming to terms with it.
Thing only thing I know for sure is, I can give those who matter to me, a pat on the back, or job well done, or a simple hug to make them aware they are important in my world.
Every so often, lately, something happens in my "bubble" that makes me shake my head, and wonder if perhaps my lack of hugging for so many years, made me lose out on so much. See. sure, things pi$$ me off, daily, but, daily I experience bits and pieces from the lighter side of life, and I dwell on them, just as much as the crap.
I finally decided to seek out a professional for health, since I am getting long in the tooth. I was lucky enough to get one who was very young, and very laid back. Something out of the ordinary for me, as I have always been uncomfortable with those who poke and prod, and dispense prescriptions on what I must do to continue living my good life. I was totally at ease, and it was almost like sitting down with someone I had known all my life. How strange, this person was younger than my oldest child, and yet, if I had a cup of coffee, the visit would have been perfect. I walked out of there feeling amazing (yes, she told me I WAS amazing). Never once have I left a Doctors office feeling like someone had listened, and someone actually was looking out for my best interest. When I heard she had suffered a medical emergency, one that indeed was life threatening, I was saddened, and yes, worried that I would lose something I found, that was special. Long story short (LOL) she won her fight, and just a few days ago, we ran into each other. I was thrilled to see her, but see, there should have been a line, I am just a number in her patient book, right? Wrong!! My first thought was to throw my arms around her and give her a big hug, because deep inside, she is special to me (yep, only seen her twice), but protocol said that was over the line. Instead, she made the first move, she started the hug. That one hug, made such a difference in my world, and I hope she knows this.
So, I admit, I have mellowed an incredible amount. my only regret is, it took me this long. I imagine I have missed out on a great deal, throughout life, with my standoff's.Sometimes it is very hard to put dents in one's foundation, but once they are there, they become second nature.
As I head into this new stage of my life, I have come to accept many things, the appreciation of those things which have no monetary value. Sure, I still want to win the lotto, because it would allow me to improve so many lives, which would make me very happy, and it would allow me to spend more time with those who matter so much. I am beyond wanting stuff, stuff is so unimportant, it breaks, it clutters, it takes time and effort. I don't want to waste those two things at this point in life. I am now at the stage that I want to ensure those who matter to me, know. I am trying hard, got a long ways to go, but I have mastered the hug..and that is a good start! So..go on..hug someone who matters..it might just make their day!!