Clearly I use words. I have a mouth that opens without thought, and my thoughts are spoken. I sit at the keyboard and throw words out attempting to get my personal opinion, point of view, or, often, my rant, out to the world.
I was born long before cell phones, and reading was my treasure. I would read the shampoo bottles and medicine cabinet containers while sitting on the toilet (again, no cell phones). I was banished to the kitchen table at meal times, because I refused to put down whatever book or comic I was enthralled with. I knew how to use library file cards, I taught myself to "speed read", so I could suck more books up. Lordie, I wish I had never done that, as it does indeed take some of the pleasure out of a book, and also, I experience that horrible feeling when I close the book for the final time..knowing I must search for another, and hope it is just as wonderful.
That said, I thought words were the answer to everything in life. However, as I have grown older, and experienced the sadder side of life..there are times, when words just do not work.
Love, joy, excitement, fear, all of these emotions can be expressed with words. Perhaps not completely, but they can indeed share to the world some of the feelings, another is experiencing. But, last night, while speaking to my buddy, discussing a very sad event, I spoke out loud, " there are no words ". What does one say to the parents who have lost a child? I have no problem offering words of congratulations to others. I have no problem speaking my mind when I find someone has upset me, or thanking someone for a kindness. Those words land on my tongue quickly. But when my friend asked me "what do I say to them", there was no answer. There is nothing another can offer to ease the pain, or to even grasp the concept of what these folks are experiencing.
We can try to imagine, but the thought is too difficult to even attempt. It is unnatural...Yes, it happens all the time, but if you are a parent, the "normal" cycle of life, would have your child bearing the loss of you. They would have the comfort of knowing you lived a full life, and they would have the ability to hold on to memories, as they continued to build their own lives, with their own children.
I have a friend who lost her child, suddenly, to an act of violence. This happened a few years ago, and clearly she suffers each and every day, still. Most of the time, she is sad, other times, she is angry. She can speak of her child, and she does so often, I imagine it becomes a little easier to talk about the wonderful memories, and it is easy for others to listen to her speak. Because we know she is enjoying a moment of comfort, from the past. But, even years after the fact, those other moments, the ones that are beyond belief, they fill her world. She said some tell her to let it go, to leave the past and move forwards. They tell her that it is time.
I lost my Mom a lifetime ago, most days I, indeed live for the present. But I have others when grief suddenly rears it's head, and I go back decades to that place when I was raw with loss. So...when is the time? I do not believe a person has the ability to control when they continue on, after such a massive loss. I also do not believe time heals all..As clearly I still have my moments, so after 37 years, time has not healed me. I lost a parent, not a child. I lost one I was a part of, not one that was a part of me. I listened to words, and some offered a small comfort in my time of grief. My Mom was in her 50's . still far too young, but, she had also suffered so much pain, so I had that comfort, she no longer suffered. This was the "normal" course of life..not easy, but a child saying goodbye to a parent.
So, my buddy's question "what do I say?" , There are no words one can say, in this matter. It is a time when nothing can comfort. It is a time when you know that two people will now wake up, each and every morning, and experience anew, the knowledge that a part of them, has been taken away. For 29 years, these folks raised this part of themselves. Clearly she was loved a great deal. Most every conversation they had over these years, mentioned this creation they had brought into the world. She was the center of their universe. They had dreams for her, they worried about her, they supported her, and most of all, they loved her dearly. She was one of those children who come along late in life, just before the other children are about to leave the nest. So, she was special, she ensured a couple continued on as a family, years after the others went off to make their own. When, as parents, they had the ability to focus on the one left at home.
She was blessed with sparkle..I can't describe it any other way. I didn't know her well, because she was a friend of my child, but in a small town, one does see everyone, and she was indeed one you noticed. She was pretty, she was smart, and she was one of those people who attract a large social group. She was included in everything those kids did, and she was loved by most.Every picture taken at events had her in the midst, surrounded by her friends. Always a smile on her face, because she enjoyed those beside her.
Do I know much about her? Nope..just that she was popular, and no matter what else went on in her world, she was embraced by those within her large circle, she was their's, and they were her's. I truly believe her friends loved her so much, and her parents loved her so much, that she thought she would always be protected, somehow. Sadly, this was not the case.
Like a light that burns far too bright, beyond most others, attempting to live every moment to the absolute fullest, the darkness left when she passed, will affect so many.
I remember the passing of my first "friend" when I was about 18, it was devastating, he was also someone who lived life to the fullest, perhaps we all knew he took far too many chances, and was following a road that was a risk, but he was popular, he gave our world laughter, and enjoyment, and he was our sparkle. I can remember the night we lost him, as if it was yesterday. We all asked each other "why"? But in truth, I think we all knew, he took one gamble beyond his limit, and we were left in the darkness.
I didn't know his parents, I did know his siblings. I never thought what those who created him went through that night, and forever after. I was a child...Now I am a parent, and although I understand her friends will suffer her loss, I know they will go on with their lives, and be able to forget for long periods of time, because they are young, and they are busy. Her parents, well, that is a different story. She was their life. Their love, their fear, their joy, and now their loss.
What can one say to someone who has suffered this magnitude of sorrow? "so sorry for your loss"? No..that is a given. "I can't imagine what you are going through"? Of course you can't, unless you have gone through it! "Time heals"? That is a lie! Nothing spoken is right at a time like this. I am not much of one for hugs, getting better over time, but, in my world of words, an embrace in silence speaks volumes when another is facing devastation.
My son, was a friend of this person. He is the same age as her. I know many of her friends, and I have a friend who is also her parent's friend. She was not a part of my world, but her passing has affected so many in my world. Her passing has greatly affected me, because...there but for the grace of God, go I. I can't help but attempt to imagine...and it breaks my heart.
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