Well, it's me , back again. Once again, feeling a tad uncomfortable putting my life out to the rest of the world. I have to keep telling myself I made a promise to share this journey, in the off chance, it may make someone else's trip down the stage 4 Cancer road not so lonely. Let me state right off the back, it has been a F*cking nightmare that just multiplies daily. The toll on emotions is insane, which translates into a lack of energy, a lack of patience, and a constant burden on one's soul. Oh, we try, if we didn't it would be unbearable, so we can't stop trying. Some days are much harder than others, and more than once, those days come in clumps. Not only do you have this sword dangling over your head, uncurable, cancer cells may develope a resistance to your cocktail of chemo, so we have more than one option (yes, this is the positive, pretty shabby, eh?), but you also have the insanely difficult job of changing absolutely everything that was your normal.
See,now I am able to be beside Chuck throughout all the appointments, and chemo treatments, like I was with the radiation, t because, as an old bag of 67, I reached an age where I could no longer do the usual janitorial jobs I was used to, just can't swing those mops like a decade ago, I ache all the time, from abusing myself from lifting stuff that was beyond my strength, packing vaccums about up and down stairs, etc. So, I retired to collect my shabby a$$ed Old people money (that is a total insult). We were a couple with one bread winner, suddenly there is no more bread, just some crumbs, every 2 weeks , so even with the medical EI and the old age pension, we are learning to live on less than a third of what we had up until September last year. We figured we had another 8-10 years to get ready for this, but surprise! Yes, indeed my first thought when this came down the pike, was "forget the finances, focus on the main issue". I still feel the same way, but trust me, the rest of the world does not give a rat's behind about what if happening in our home, so I have learned to simply block anything else out until it smacks me in the face.However, the point I am trying to stress here, is, on top of dealing with the massive burden of having the deadly disease weighing on your every moment, you also must deal with the stress of having your bread and butter dissolved. Again, not something you ever imagine, and like most Canadians, we certainly did not have a medical fund set aside in case something like this happened, so added emotional hardship,and somehow you have to adjust to not only worrying only about health, you have to worry about how on earth you are going to manage the rest of your life. It is enormous, just saying, because you have absolutely no idea what the next day is going to bring, let alone the next week. In our world, we imagined hey, one day of IV Chemo every 3 weeks, and then simply taking pills for 14 days, and a week off of everything, should be manageable. Perhaps he can find a part time job locally, that will allow him the one day off for Chemo, sounds doable. Hah! Silly us. So far with 2 cycles of the IV chemo, he ended up with a bad reaction on the first that caused us to get a motel room in Smithers, because I was concerned we would have to go back to ER during the night. His first cycle had him totally worn out , lots of sleeping, meals at wierd hours when he felt hungry, short tempered, impatient,and basically just flopped on the couch, with no get up and go. The free week saw an uptake with energy about 2-3 days into it, however 2 of those days were taken up with the blood work and a Dr. appt in Smithers, and then back on the Chemo, to begin his battle again. Second cycle of IV chemo, almost 6 hrs in the chair, and at the very end, another reaction, not near as bad as the first but stressful again. We now realize the thought of him doing much of anything is a done deal, he has 4 more 3 week cycles like this, and after reading over his treatment plan a little more carefully, we see he has 4 cycles of a single IV treatment (one bag instead of 2) after he is done this. Pulling out the calender, that is well into summer. Unless things take an enormous turn, he will run out of medical EI and suddenly we will be living on disability (never imagined). We honestly thought we had a good future plan, we invested in our cattle, our fowl, and had a retirement dream of making a quiet life doing something we loved,now our plan is simply to do what has to be done to stay alive. I know there are times when the silly man feels he is responsible for all of this sh#t, and the worry we all go through daily, how hard must that be? It could be anyone of us, things would be no different, no one is to blame for any of this, if only it was that easy. We just happened to be one of the many who pulled the Cancer card and he got the leading role, while we are simply the rest of the cast players. The only thing that has helped me through this, is the fact we met some amazing folks at the Kordyban Lodge who pulled the same card, the knowledge that we are not alone in this, was hugely helpful, I guess that is why I decided to continue on with this "journey journal". To know you are a part of a very special group of folks who are so strong, and striving for the exact thing you are, gives you hope when they have good results, or a positive moment. It is so much easier to speak to someone who shares their experiences and offers comfort with yours. This journey is not one that should be taken alone. I have googled for a Canadian chat site for spouses of Cancer patients to seek out support, but so far no luck, so I use my new friend to give me her side of things with questions I have . I would be lost without her, so I will continue to put my personal business out to the world, in case I can do the same for someone else.
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