Today, maybe I am going into a darker area than usual. Today I will let you all in on a semi secret about myself, that I have worked most of my lifetime to keep covered up. Well, sort of covered, sometimes, it rears its nasty head a little too high, and it becomes pretty much impossible to cover. I figured I would spew it out into the world, because, I think that there are far more folks who have this evil little secret.
I have to tell you, that ad on TV about where does depression hurt, and who does depression hurt, hits the nail right on the head! Those of us who deal with this weight, totally understand. The first time I saw it, was the first time I realized that my little forays into this pit, affected those beyond me. I never thought of anyone but myself when I got into my dark hole. I didn't want to think of anyone else! Depression is one of the those places a person feels totally alone. If they are surrounded by others, they (I) would find anyway to ensure I shut them out.
I will admit growing up, on more than one occasion I was ready to end it all. My favourite plan was to make my way to the bridge outside of town, and jump off. Thank heavens I never had the energy to make that trip. Never had access to a vehicle, and never felt the urge to walk that far, or ride my bike. However, the thought of doing this came into my head quite a few times during my teenage years. I will say, I never once thought about what it would mean to others. The idea of ending it all, was simply to stop whatever was putting me into this bottomless hole, that I just could not climb out of.
As I grew older, and suffered one particular "fit" of depression that caused me incredible migraines, so bad I spent days in the bedroom in darkness, one that frightened me so badly,I gave up. In my case that is what happens. I would get to a point I was convinced everything in my world was so f*cked up, nothing would fix it, I considered medication.
See, depression is something personal. It is not something anyone else seems to understand. Others in your life just think you are not capable of dealing with bumps in the road of life. They figure you are in control, and you are blowing things out of context. I suppose there is truth to that, most of my experiences into this dark hole started with something that would put a wrench into normal life. The problem I had, was the issue would take over. It would dig deeper and deeper, and I would simply give up. It would become so enormous, that my head would tell me there was no way out, no solutions would work, in fact, I would convince myself there was absolutely no solution! I would hear others tell me things were not as bad as I was making them out to be, and that would push me farther into the hole, because they just didn't understand, I was too tired to try and fix things. I just wanted to give up, and never have to think about the problems again.
I don't think I was ever running away from my problems, I just imagined I was out of the energy necessary to fix things. See, that is what would happen. I would get so very tired, maybe life just drained out of me, when I got to that place? My whole being would feel like everything was drained, I didn't have the energy to stand, to see, to listen, to think, there was nothing left. The only thing I wanted to do, was to lay down behind a locked door, and give up.
I expect everyone reading is thinking, hey, that;s just normal. Well, I can say, the place I went to, was not normal. I know this, because, after that nasty trip there, when I finally considered medication (which I never did get, but, now I figure those who do, are smarter than me), I was able to make a personal decision to fight this. I can feel myself sliding. That is pretty much how I get into this black place. Something happens, and my grip on reality weakens, and I begin to slip into the hole. Maybe this sounds a little dramatic, but, I never dropped into the pit, I just kept sliding farther and farther in, until it got so deep and so dark, I couldn't climb out.
Now, I keep close track of things. I have created a warning system of my own, that has managed to keep me on the edge. I understand that if I let down my guard, and hit one of the bumps, I could end up in that vacuum ,with the life just totally drained out of me. My system has worked pretty well for the past 18 years, or so. I have slid a few times, but not near as far as I did before, and trust me, I hit quite a few huge bumps in that time. I admit that I have given up on things, but, not because I didn't have the energy (or life) to fix them, just because I didn't want to waste the energy on things not worth fixing. I have felt the pit open, so I know it is still there, just waiting..just waiting to the right timing to suck me in. I know my system has worked, but, I also know, there may come a time when I do have to accept medication. I am lucky, I have been able to survive depression.
I expect some will be surprised that I have been in this pit. I put on a pretty good show, I try and be funny, and sarcastic (my specialty) but, I truly believe, folks who use humour as a tool, are more likely to have slid down the same hole as I have. Humour is a way of circling the pit, it is a way to stay in the light, and those who have seen the darkness, understand how desperately they want to stay in the light.
I have survived it so far. It is always lurking in the background, like a living nightmare, and every single day, I am ready to fight it, to slam a lid on the pit, when I feel it open up. To those suffering with depression, I truly hope you find the right weapon to fight , and you can manage to climb out of that pit.Depression does hurt everywhere, and it does hurt everyone!