Those who know me, understand the past year has been difficult. I have been on my own for much of it, and our family has had to make some pretty intense decisions. Heading into my 6th decade, life is handing me a massive change, not the first, but definitely one of the hardest to attain.
Many years ago, we moved from the trailer we purchased here to a huge home. It was awesome! Our house was one of those that was always filled with young people. I have to wonder about that, as I know I am not the easiest person to deal with, but I am very glad my children's friends have all been able to overlook my negative attitude, and felt welcome in our home. It made life busy, and full, and never ever lonely. Many mornings I would wake up to find someone asleep on my couch, the basement would have 3 more, upstairs sometimes even more. Sure some days I hated that the whole highschool had at one time or another seen me at my early morning worst, but, besides always ensuring I was fully clothed at all times, it was a good feeling that every friend of my kids knew they had a warm place to crash after a party. It also ensured that my kids would come home, and..I knew their friends would simply open the front door and go to sleep, somewhere in this huge home.
Times have changed. Now the house is far too big. I have found a small area in it, and that is where I camp out. It doesn't even look the same! I can wander about and remember those house filled times, but, it is empty, the memories may linger in the space, but they are in my head and heart, so they will never leave. Everyone else has left. Those kids are now grown ups, and, they may not realize it, but I am proud of each and everyone of them. But once again, in my world, another generation has headed off to live their adult lives, and this time, I am left with only my dogs for company.They don't seem to care how much space they have in the house, their world is fine if they have enough outside.
So...the change is , I have reached the place that I must move along, I am ready to go almost full circle back to where my life began. It would be an easy matter if all I had to do was pack up my clothes and personal belongings, and hit the road, but, it's not that easy.
We have this house. I call it a house now, because it is no longer a home. It is a piece of amazing property, that has brought our family a sh*tload of joy, and a million memories. Memories of Easter egg hunts with the Grandchildren, and high school graduations, and farewell parties of the most amazing friends. Not so much the house, but the property it sits on.
The yard, well, that hasn't changed, nor will it ever, really. I imagine someone else will keep the firepit, I hope they keep my little bench that allows me serenity. I hope they don't decide to cut down the huge tree that stands plop in the middle of the back yard, filled with birds in all seasons. I know, it sucks every drop of water so no matter how hard one tries, it is impossible to grow grass around it, but, even in the middle of winter, one can enjoy a snow free spot, under the heavy canopy.
See, I have worked very hard for the past 3 months, erasing my family from the house. Rooms that my kids made their own, have now been emptied, painted and re-floored. The kitchen has all new appliances.I don't think a single birthday dinner has been made with that oven. The counter tops are brand new..no marks from someone slicing cheese without a cutting board. Not a single mark on the new floor from something smashed from someone goofing about. There are no gobs of dog hair floating and collecting in corners, no slobber marks on the windows. The drawers are not stuffed with pimple remover, and hair products, instead they are empty.
I have put it up for sale. Wow, talk about leaving one's comfort zone. I now have opened the door, not to my children's school mates, or my dear friends, but to total strangers. What an uncomfortable place for someone like me, who has lost the ability to socialize. How difficult to want to have someone else fall in love with something that has provided so much to my life, but...dreading the actual personal interaction.
I did have my very first showing last night. Sent one dog off for a play date, and the other one had to deal with getting tied up, far enough away that the viewer was able to take everything the backyard offers in. I am grateful, it was way easier than I had imagined. Perhaps that is because it is easy to give a pitch for something so amazing. Oh, the first moment was awkward, but, he made it very easy, and although he is only the first, and I am not done, I am glad he was first.
My friend has talked me into having an open house. Hey, I want to sell, so..I am open to anything that offers the opportunity for more to see what is beyond the "blue door". But I realize I am not the right person to stand there answering questions while folks I don't know wander through what has for 12 years, been my personal space. That job is for my friend and my daughter. They are both much nicer than me! Yes I could have simply hired a realtor, to do all of this, but..again, they didn't live here, this doesn't hold a single memory for them, how can they possibly sell something they have not felt? This is not just a house and a yard, this is a place for memories, and to sell, one has to speak from the heart.
I am past the point (I think) of caring who buys, I want this whole business to be over with. I am ready to say good-bye. I have the pictures and the memories all packed up, but what I don't understand is, after the unending work, and the jobs I tackled that went way beyond what I thought was my ability, and the feeling it would never reach the finish line..why do I not feel that sense of relief? I am hoping that comes soon, because I am really very tired of erasing, and very tired of existing in this lonely small space, that no longer feels mine. Definitely time to go "home"!