Some of you know what life has been like for me, especially the past 2.5 months. I have been living in my house, that is no longer a home, and at most times, it has been filled with strangers. Definitely one of the most stressful times of my life. I admit, I have not been at my best. Temper flares continually. I imagine I am going to kick the bucket more than once a day, and usually hit the bed, wondering if I am going to wake up. Even the dogs stay their distance. Poor dogs, I have not been a very nice companion to them, and they are the only companionship I have. Hope they forgive easily. I keep promising them it will get better, and while doing that I am attempting to convince myself.
The drama that has unfolded has truly made me believe Murphy's Law rules my world, and although I have tried to embrace that fact, some moments just throw me for a loop. Those moments, I feel very sorry for myself. I think part of the problem is, besides the dogs, I have no cornered victims to listen to my constant whining, and I am actually getting sick of myself!
Granted, I have found myself in a predicament. I am in a place that has taken all control away from me, and caused me to rely on strangers to fix things. They don't have anything riding on their time schedules, and I have to hurry up and wait constantly. I think this would probably tick off even my most patient friends, and those friends are always trying to boost my spirits. I appreciate their support, and like anyone else, love to wallow in their sympathy. Sure, sometimes I know they are getting fed up with my wha whaaing, but I do have some pretty awesome friends.
However, every so often I am smacked with a moment of clarity. What I am dealing with is not deadly (well maybe if the stress level goes off the charts). It is not chronic, there will be an end to it(hopefully before my end). And, I am alive, somewhat sane (a tad intermittent) and reasonably healthy.
Things could be a sh*tload worse. I am not like my BFF, I have not been dealt the C card, and had to fight for my life. I have not lost a loved one. Life may be altered beyond recognition for this period of time, but, it is going to go back to "normal", unlike so many others.
I just wish those moments would happen more often. They are like medication for my Murphy bouts.If I could just focus on the positives! Well, those who know me well, and of course my family, have nicknamed me Debbie Downer..or Negative Nelly, so..obviously thinking positive is not my best ability.
I wonder, all those folks who throw out the little life lines to "buck up" and "tomorrow will be a better day", do they think this more often than I do? How wonderful life would be if I could simply wash today right out of the picture. Today has been filled with poop, after yesterdays poop, but not a problem, because when I wake up tomorrow, which will be today (right?) things will suddenly be poop free! Gosh, imagine what an amazing person I would be. I just wouldn't even be able to handle me! Smiling all the time..hey I would be a whole lot quieter, because I certainly wouldn't have a single thing to b*tch about, so why would I even consider opening my mouth?
Sadly, moments of clarity just don't happen near enough. Life probably would be much easier if they had began back in high school, and I had an open mind to study and be smart. But...that didn't happen. Even then I must have simply decided there was no sense in trying to study, because I was just going to blank out when the test was placed in front of me (yep..happened just that quickly), so save the time and energy, trust I would fail, and learn to deal with it.
Hey, I have gotten better with time. Over the decades I have come to understand, I can manage an awful lot more than I ever imagined. Just sometimes I step back into my regular routine, and don't trust myself. Fine, I still haven't won the bloody lotto, and for some obscure reason, I keep trying. If I can believe I actually have a chance of winning that, well sh*t, I can certainly believe that almost anything is possible.
Going to try and work on changing the clarity moments into hours. I am pretty easily addicted to things like potato chips, and caffine..so perhaps if I put some effort into this, I can begin to see things clearly, and offer Murphy a more appealing place of residence, with someone stuck in the darkness.
My little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel has actually started glowing, and it brings with it a big bundle of hope. Funny as I was writing this last sentence, I suddenly remembered my High School Graduation song..I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW, by Johnny Nash. Yes, I am definitely a slow learner, I graduated in 1974...but finally catching on!