Sitting here, on the very last day of my 50th decade..LMAO..Now doesn't that sound absolutely unreal?
Funny, age is the strangest thing. There is nothing one can do to change it. Oh, I suppose if I had been much smarter, and a tad more me-centered, I could have managed far less wrinkles. I could have also dropped some poundage, and toned some muscle. But..since I didn't think about this stuff in time, here I sit, slightly chunky, a wee bit saggy, and more than a little wrinkled. Not much I can do now. Oh, I have considered opting for one of the 3, the poundage part..I have thought, perhaps if I put on some more weight, it might plump up a few wrinkles..still thinking on that, because it would also require a larger amount of Lays potato chips, and I am sure I would have to go far beyond my acceptable salt intake....
I sort of accept myself, most of the time. The only time I truly clue in, is when photos are taken, and I cannot ignore what I appear like. The rest of the time, I just don't acknowledge the visual, there is no need. I know I am clothed, my hair is brushed..or was at least once during my waking hours, and that's pretty much all I need covered in case I come in contact with another human. But..you know what, even when I was 16, pictures of me looked horrid. There were no wrinkles, I just seldom had a picture taken that I was happy with. I just sort of thought when I got old, I would suddenly become more photogenic..didn't happen! I look like the old biddy telling National Enquirer reporters how the aliens landed outside my trailer, transported me off to their planet, and installed antennae in my hair curlers. I have, however, decided I don't really give a crap..because the way I see me, is not always the way others do. See...I can prove that!
So, I mentioned the other day the St.Olaf's mini re-union, and how my buddy Irene got to have a glimpse of things, right? Well, I didn't get around to hauling out my camera to capture the events for eternity, but others did. One such picture was of a fellow St.Olafer, Irene and myself. I could not do what I wanted, which was to hide, and not be a part of the process...so I had to do the next best thing..act like a lunatic..of course this resulted in a particularly gruesome imagine. Yuck! Saw the thing posted for all the world to view and instantly wished I could erase me. I noticed my two friends looked so lovely..how awesome for them, but how sad I looked like a washed out hermit, perhaps on heavy prescription drugs...My buddy calls me, and instantly goes on about what a great picture this was of me and my fellow "Rose'..."Huh???" Was she nuts? I had thought what a great picture it was of her, looking so happy, and although she has 1/2 a decade( I know, it's 5 years, but today I am thinking in decades, so bear with me)on me, she looked a whole decade younger! We argued over this picture, and basically what it proves is, we see ourselves totally different than those who matter to us . No doubt there are some folks who always see themselves looking fabulous, and I guess those are people with very high self esteem, that is certainly not something my buddy and I have an over abundance of. Clearly we both don't even have a smidgen of this. So, just speaking of a single picture taken when we are both heading into the real "Golden" age, made me realize something amazing.
Because I see her as someone who has accomplished so very much in her lifetime. She is incredibly strong, maybe much quieter than myself, in some ways, but. always thinking of others, before herself, extremely hardworking, very talented in so many areas, gifted with massive patience, and someone who has managed to drag me out of the depth of despair on numerous occasions, when I look at the picture of her laughing, and totally enjoying the moment, I see a beautiful picture..only marred by my withered old face.
So, I guess that is why we see others differently than they see themselves. We simply see the outside shell, while others see the whole package, with the inner beauty, that makes us smile, because it is a snapshot of them at their finest, when they are truly happy.
Yes..this has been a pretty tough decade, one of the hardest..it has given me more wrinkles, more grey hairs, more aches and pains than any other..but..I think it has also, only recently, taught me one of the greatest lessons...Just because I see myself one way, old and drained, those I care about, can see beyond that..so..perhaps I will allow more pictures? Maybe let myself be immortalized during times that make me truly and utterly happy..times with the world's greatest friends, ever!!!