O.K. I have spewed my issues with depression to the whole world on a few occasions. So, it is no secret, admitting and attempting to accept is part and parcel of who I am.
Those who do not know me well , see the side I work very hard to portray. I dig deep down inside, and work very hard to use my sense of humour to combat the darker side. Most of the time, I am able to ward something that is very hard to explain to those who have never experienced it, away. However, sometimes it is too big, and it is so frightening, because, I don't know how to control it.
Up until now, I have never really had this illness ,( is it an illness, or is it something that is me?) addressed by anyone besides the host. I have indeed told the world, but I have only spoken briefly to my medical professional of it, mostly because when I have been in to see them, it was buried. I know it is there, because one never forgets, you can't, it is a part of you that controls your brain, your heart, your very soul. When you know it is inside, you learn to watch for it's awakening, because you must be ready at all times.
Well, the demon awoke inside me. I had warning, I knew it was coming. See, I have lived with this monster for decades. I have tried to remember the first time we met, I can't recall it beyond my teenage years, so clearly it has been a parasite for over 50 years. Parasite is is good word to use. It feeds off my emotions, without a touch of stress, it would evaporate, I am certain, but, because stress is something that my mind and body appear to be adept at producing, it has found paradise. Sooner or later the flood gates will open within me, and this will find a smorgasbord to feed from. It has been in a feeding frenzy for almost 2 weeks now, not a moment of relief. And when it feeds, I feel it, sucking the life out of me, totally and completely running my world. It is all powerful, I feel it growing larger and larger, and I am scared sh*tless.
See, I do not understand it, totally, but I have to have faith I can manage it. And I have survived so far.
I considered ending this back in my teen years. I believe that possibility disappeared when I became a Mom, and realized I could not cause suffering to others. So, perhaps that is my saving grace? I believe now, when this darkness takes over, I will find a way to stop at the final drop, at least I hope. I am ever so grateful that I have admitted my illness. My friends and family know, and although sometimes it is difficult to believe, I know I have a support system, and I know they will rush in, and do what they can to push this back down, far enough so I can live life again. I cannot "stress" how this is the most important thing a person carrying this parasite needs. Without those who understand, just a wee bit, or even suffer this as well, I believe survival would not be possible!So, admission , at least in my experience, as difficult as it is, is absolutely crucial.
Don't believe for a moment , attempting to explain this to someone else is ever easy. Admitting to anyone outside of one's comfort zone, that they suffer from depression, even, a medical professional, is very hard. I worry that , first they will not believe me, and second, that they will always look at me differently. Both of these possibilities are painful.
Now there are lots of folks who claim they suffer from this, and cripes, I believe them! You hear it all over, and I imagine many of us suffer differently. In my mind, no one could possibly go through what I do, when I get smashed by it. But, I know that is wrong. I have indeed spoke to others, and although it does not fix the problem, knowing I am not alone, does offer some comfort. And..I have also stated, I have never felt the urge to seek medication. Until now! But, even that is a hurdle. I admitted to my Dr. I had this when I first went to her over a year ago. It was just an admission, I didn't dwell on it, just threw it out there. Maybe just in case, I don't know. I have come to realize how important admission is..so I did it. She knows, right? Well, for the first time ever, I was so frightened, I decided I would take the step, get something prescribed, because I was losing my battle. Geared up, called, and was told my Dr. was not available till the middle of next month. I was offered an appointment with another, but..there it was, the stigma..how could I explain to someone else, would they believe me? I know if I had to open my mouth to attempt to tell them what was happening, I would lose it. My emotions go insane when this cloud covers me. The humour is totally lost, there is nothing that can make me laugh, but the others are front and center. I cry without warning, and my temper is extremely short. Mostly I think because, again, in my world it is stress that brings this to the surface, and that is generally caused by others, and therefore, I just do not like people! I don't want, in fact I cannot, speak to others without extreme sadness, or anger..the only two emotions left in me. Clearly this is why, in the past, the need to simply close the door to the world, has been my solution. But, once the door is closed, the depression does not go away. Sometimes it festers and grows larger, or if I am lucky anger takes control, and I can begin to blow off steam, reducing the stress, and I can start to stuff this horror back down deep enough to go back to living.
So..here I sit, no medication, hanging on a very thin wire, knowing what is happening, and in a place where suddenly my illness is being questioned, and all that is doing, is making it next to impossible to self medicate to attempt to get my life back. The question is being asked by the very person who set me off on this nightmare train. Alright, they didn't know, not a clue, but, they just kept pecking away, doing everything they could to push the button, over and over, until here I am, on the edge, and the only thing I could do, is sit down, and try to put some of this out, so maybe I could read it, and maybe it would help. Not sure if it will, however, it has given me the time to decide how I am going to discard some of that which created this episode. I have come to realize I am totally done with an institution that is oblivious to an apparent common mental illness, again,partially my fault for not spewing this issue to everyone who I worked with, but, still I stated I was sick, and I was not believed. So, like most, struggling with this, I do not have the energy to prove myself. I will walk away. I could start a fight, and without a doubt, I would win it, but, again, I am not strong enough to fight two battles, and must use everything I have to win the one I will have to fight for the rest of my life. Thank you all, for the first time, I feel positive..a few tears, but I will win..and survive!
I think I have mentioned before, this blog has been a God send to me. Putting down the words to attempt to explain what is happening in my head, often provides clarity in my little world. So, here it is, read it,or not. Just something I had to throw out to the world..I don't quite understand how, or why, this has made a difference, but I am ever so grateful.
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