Well, I suppose it goes without saying, yesterday was a hard day, in my world. I got to thinking......Yes, that again! Thinking is often not a good thing. I remember having my teacher tell me to put my "Thinking Cap" on, really, where was the damn thing, I could never find it!! I honestly believe someone else in the class, stole mine. Now, all those who spent their school years along side me, and received all those years of A's and B's, you know you had two damn caps!!! One of them was mine!!!Because I couldn't find it, I had to settle for the C's, some C-'s, some C's, and if I was really lucky, that awesome C+!! Whoever had my cap, should have been getting a couple of those C's, and I really could have used the odd A, because I was told I might get a buck, if I brought one home...I was always broke, as well as thoughtless....
Somehow, over time, the cap must have got pretty small, and that thief must have sent it my way. Now it sits on my head whenever it chooses, and because it is tight, my thinking goes wacky. It starts, and will not stop, until so many thoughts start smashing into one another, I can't concentrate on a single one, and crapola starts pouring out, always stuff that drives me mad!
Yesterday, I realized I am past the 1/2 way mark in life. Wow, that is so sad. So, as I am thinking, I wondered, WTF have I done that makes me feel satisfied, and ready to go, with, if I am very lucky 25 more years. What on earth do I see fantabulous happening to this decrepit old body at this stage of my life? If I haven't managed to get to the place that I am brimming with pride for who and where I am, how the heck will I get there now?
Really, people, over 1/2 way!! Now I am fixating on the "average" lifespan, of about 80, I know, high hopes. Why do I think 80, well...I look like my Dad, I have the same short stubby fingers and toes, I have the same pi$$ poor eyes, the same arthritis, the same lily white skin, so........I am hoping I follow the paternal lines, and that side has a tendency to last into the 80's and some the 90's.O.K. I am not a scientist, I told you the damn cap was tight, this is what happens between my ears. I'm just giving you what my brain sends me.
So, right now, I am scrubbing toilets as my profession. Wow! Rewind to 1974, big graduation, a million plans, and I can assure you, not one of those plans included a toilet bowl brush! Frigging thinking cap!! Imagine if I had that thing, back in the day....I would likely be running the whole damn country!!!Now it is too small, definitely missing the A mode, and now I am left a tad nervous.
Yes, I have kept children alive from birth to adulthood. I expect they will inform the world I screwed up plenty, while going through that process. I have not broken any bones.....I kept a pretty decent clump of friends. But, I didn't get the Nobel prize, in fact, I don't think I ever got a trophy! Hola!!!Not a single trophy!!!Never good at sports, trying to think of a sport I like,,ummmmmmm....none!! Student of the year..ooops, nope again!!(no cap). Baking?????Yeah, that will never happen. Geez, now I want a trophy!! It is just getting worse.Hey, told you, I am just putting down what that pressure bandaid of a cap is squeezing out.
All of this brought on by the loss of a High school friend! I realize this friend had more than his share of health issues. I have been pretty lucky, not sure why, do everything possible wrong. I hoark back chips, I eat chocolate like it is going out of style, I am one of those horrible smokers, and I certainly do NOT exercise (see reference to Sports). I am the epitome of non healthy, but, somehow I keep squeaking along. I think my cap has put the spotlight on all the wrong stuff I have done, and continue to do, and, now I am fearful I won't make the 80's.
So....Now I am feeling the overwhelming urge to find the fantabulous! I am quickly running out of time to get my trophy! Soon all that will be left, is scrabble, and who the heck wants a trophy for that? Lord love us, getting old really sucks!!The worst part, I want to get old, I want to last! I want to be the Great Grandmother, maybe the Great Great Grandmother! I want family to come from all parts of the country to celebrate my centennial (at which I am in complete control of all my faculties). I have so much more left to do!!
That is what the loss of someone you have grown up with does. It shoves mortality right in your face. It is time to figure out how to live life to the fullest. Time to attempt to enjoy more, and work less. Time to start enjoying the tree lined pathway, and walk it slowly. I am not in a rush to get to the end, even if there is a huge trophy waiting.
I am thinking......if I have any luck at all, it is not being used in the lotto, so perhaps....I have the best 1/2 ahead?