Been thinking about this one for awhile. See, just had someone new start at work, and as we were getting to know each other, I gave her this heads up. Now, when I say it, I know it's not true. Cripes, quite like this new person, shocked that I actually enjoyed my time with her. However, I had to warn her, because...she didn't have to spend much time with me, to hear the words "ooohhh..I hate her", or "yuck, I hate him" when someone was mentioned, or the unfortunate soul happened to walk by.
When did this happen? When did I get so damn picky about others, who thankfully I don't have to spend any amount of time with? I don't remember hating people when I was a kid. Oh, maybe I told my parents a time or two, I hated them. Perhaps (actually, no perhaps, for sure) there might have been a teacher that made me cringe, and the words flew out of my gob. However, hate, itself was not rampant back in the day.
This hate is something that has evolved in the past decade. I realize, in my life, the dream is to get away..away from the public, away from hum drum, somewhere I only have to socialize with my honey, my family, and my pets. They are the only souls that have a "get out of jail free" card when it comes to the Hate issue. Cripes, there are even moments when I state I "Hate" them, but those moments dissolve quickly. With others, the moments just turn to cement. Whatever they have done, that pi$$ed me off for a glimpse in time, grows insanely large, and turns into what I perceive as hate.
I expect if I headed over for some therapy, the Doctor would likely inform me what I feel is NOT hate, it is dislike. O.K. words, schmurds...I have labeled this hate. This word, in my world, means, I do not want anything to do with the individual. I don't want to see them, speak to them, hear them speak, be in the same room as them, even if we are separated by a 1/2 mile...They do not belong in my territory.
I admit, in the back of my mind, I would like all of these people to disappear in a puff of smoke (see, I am not a witch, because if I was, there would be hundreds of smoking spots, all about town). I realize, just because I wish they would evaporate, there are larger groups that wish to keep them around, maybe children, spouses, and..those folks with low expectations who call them friends (my expectations only allow the best to become my friends,lol).
This issue has become so massive, there is not a single day that I leave my house, and do not come upon one of these Hated people. Most of the time, I am alone when I run into this problem. It is easy enough to deal with, I simply mutter (like a ventriloquist) to myself, ignore them, if at all possible, and do what I have to do. Thing is, all of this takes a tiny bit of energy...do you think this is why I am tired all of the time? Do you think that I have, oh so many on my hate list, I am expending an incredible amount of energy throughout the day, dealing with the "hate/dislike thing? Hey, could very well be possible!
Lord love us, what am I to do? I admit, I tried more than once to overcome my problem. I have been told "they are really nice, you just need to get to know them" a couple of times by those lucky enough to escape the hate label. Fine!!! I try, and....nope...doesn't work, just gets worse. I will admit, some people I have known for many years, and never actually sat down and chatted with, because I didn't feel we had anything in common, have recently become little bright spots in my life, and...now are new FB friends, after years of just acknowledgement. However, this person, I never used the Hate word with. I think I am open..I just either have unusually high standards for folks I chose to give my time to, or....and this is more likely...I have a low tolerance for idiots!
My buddy will warn people when they say something about someone.."oops, watch out, she hates them". I don't candy coat a thing in my life, not going to argue the truth when she says that, just nod my head, or confirm. Those who are a part of my life, are well aware of everyone I hate. They try to convince me I am wrong..Hah!! I will pause and knock off the cement for a moment, to allow them to prove me wrong, but thankfully this cement is easily replaced, and hardens immediately. There have been a very few times the cement has been exchanged for some heavy mud, but..not often.
Most of the time, those privy to hear of all my hates, are not a part of the collection..however, I really think, those who do spend time with me, against my better judgement, who are in the collection, either must be totally clueless, or perhaps the feeling is mutual, and this is their way to pi$$ me off, for their personal enjoyment?
As I put this down, I sound like a horrible person, but, facts are, I am not!! I can't be all bad. I have the world's most incredible friends, my kids still claim me as their mother, my honey is still beside me, and I do laugh, and smile occasionally. I understand my limitations, when it comes to dealing with other human beings. I spent umpteen years working with the public, smiling and making nice, but, my take on this..people have just so much patience and tolerance (O.K. most have a tad more than I was handed out), and I apparently used all of mine up.
So..if anyone hears that Costco has a bulk supply of patience for sale for Christmas, give me a shout. Otherwise, I will continue to throw a coat of cement on unsuspecting folks, when the urge hits me. Shutting those I cannot stand, out of my life, allows me to save the tiny little bit of patience for those who matter. I am proud that those who I spend my time with, are those I like and love, I think I am very lucky, that I only have to tolerate once in awhile, and...I know I do NOT do a good job when I attempt to tolerate..but, I can deal with that!