I appear to be in one of my "moods". Oh, I suppose now, since PMS is a thing of the past, perhaps some will say "it's menopausal". In truth, no..it's simply ME. I doubt bi-polar is my issue. That is doubtful, because first off, I can't remember when I was extremely elated, last..so, I don't have a series of highs and lows..just a fairly steady low....The majority of the time, the low is what I call "normal", I can laugh at times, and joke during the regular low, but, I understand I am cruising along on the edge of a fine line, and any moment I can suddenly drop right off the radar.
Over the years I have usually been able to tag whatever issue sends me plummeting. Most of the time, it is stress. My problem is, I tend to stress about nearly every single moment in life. I suppose that is because I always look on the dark side, always into the shadows, knowing something is lurking to destroy whatever positive seems possible.
I have tried to figure out why I am this way. Is it genetic? I'm not sure, can't remember either of my parents being the picture of gloom and doom...
I do know, growing up, I was always kind of a disappointment. I was certainly not smart, started in the Rabbit group in grade one, which apparently was the "Dumb Bunny" class, and that pretty much continued right up to graduation. I was heavy, so that brought it's share of crap. I was a slob, so...again, a problem. Never seemed to do the right thing, always in trouble. I was a C average in a world that needed A's. Perhaps that is where this began?
When I find myself in this place, I am not good with others. In truth, I suppose I understand, it is best for all, if I am left alone.
When I was much younger, I used to head off for places I could hide, when I started feeling this way. I would have to walk, then as I got older, I had a motorbike, so I could really find some good spots to get away from the world. Back then, I could usually find my way out of the shadows after a few hours of solitary. I would manage to get through all the steps to rehab, disappointment, anger, and the biggest, sadness, then convince myself the slate was washed clean, and I could start fresh, with great intentions. As I have aged, this rehab takes far longer, perhaps because I know great intentions generally don't mean diddly squat.
I don't think this is because I don't do well with disappointment. It certainly isn't because I feel alone. I have managed to find the love of my life, and I know very few folks are this lucky. My children have managed to survive, and are all adults, heck I even have Grandchildren that claim they love me..so..it is not because of a lack of love. It is not because I don't realize that my life could be far harder, because I understand many do not have it near as good as I do.
Maybe it is because, sometimes, I feel like I have always been, and, as things appear to me, will always be, not quite good enough? Unless you have felt this way, I doubt one could understand. I have had this feeling most of my life. Perhaps that is why, when things happen, I just sort of curl up, and wait for them to dump some more sh*t on top of me to carry along, with the pile I already have. Just kind of accept that this is the fact of my life, I am never going to get a turn at the wheel, I am simply the one with the flat tire at the starting line. Every time I find a good spare, someone pokes a hole in it.
See, what most of the rest of the world sees, beyond those close friends, and family, is a mouth piece, and someone who takes no sh*t, and is filled with sarcasm. That is who I want to be, all of the time! I don't want to be nicey nice, I want to be straight forward, honest, and true to myself, because it has worked for the important things I have. I have a great partner, my kids acknowledge I am their mother, and...I have managed to collect the most amazing friends, so, who I am, is not so bad. I like that person. I just don't like the part of me, that seems to pop up when the sh*t starts overwhelming me. That person who gets to the place that makes me feel that is what my life is all about. That place that says "Debbie, just curl up, and wait until the shovels of sh*t are finished, and then start digging your way out". That place that makes me feel that I will never, ever get anywhere outside the shadows, because I belong outside the box.
The worst part of all of this, I tend to drag those around me down, not quite as far as I get, but, they get a little bit of the sh*t stink. I try to stay away from others, but, sometimes I screw up, and begin my slide before hiding out. Not a pretty situation, and since I have been dealing with this for almost a lifetime, and I can't understand it, imagine the poor innocents.
Facts are, I understand those who commit suicide, well, sort of. Oh, don't worry, I am not about to close the book, I still have hope, I can still see the light. But, I understand. No one likes to be in the shadows all the time, no one likes to always feel that they are not quite good enough, no one likes to feel that their life is just a series of unfortunate events. I am quite capable of seeing the great events, most of the time, but I understand, sometimes the shadows get pretty damn dark!