I admit, my life is often filled with confusion. It is extremely seldom that anything flows along smoothly..instead little creeks branch off all about, there are dead pools, and waterfalls, and frigging sucking whirl pools.
Right now, I am in the midst of one of those whirl pools. Kind of like when you flush the toilet, everything swirls around and around, before going down the drain. Imagine a spider on a piece of toilet paper, as you watch it spin, worrying that somehow it will crawl to the side, and manage to escape the looming death trap, in the middle of the toilet. I am that spider!!! Geez, not quite sure why I chose a spider as an example..guess I am truly losing it!
Sometimes huge things come along in life. Oh, you know they are big, and they are going to use up absolutely every single bit of you to accomplish. You gear yourself up..you are almost at the point where you have convinced yourself..it is possible..I CAN do this..and then BAM!!! Along comes yet another massive issue, one that blows the first out of the water! Daunting is possibly the best word to describe this, intimidating..overwhelming..oh I could go on and on.
When things like this happen, if they are not emergencies, I become totally useless. Because I think way outside the box..that is all I will do. I will think, and think, and sit and sit, and just get physically ill, because I cannot find a starting point.
Like that spider, if I could find a tiny little dry spot on the piece of paper, one that would allow me to stand up without falling, and pick an area on the side of the toilet that the water isn't pouring on.I just might make a leap of faith, and start climbing out. I can't find the right spot, and I keep thinking the water is pouring every where..leaping is just not an option!
So..besides feeling that I must have done something so very horrid in my life, that Karma feels the need to keep biting my A$$ over and over (one would think by now I would not have any A$$ left, but sadly even that perk doesn't occur). Yes, I feel sorry for myself. I wonder why it is always raining on my parade, when I see others have a constant source of sunshine. I just want a tiny bit of solar rays, just enough to warm things up a wee bit, and take the chill off.
I have asked myself if this is some sort of test..and if it is, I flunked. I don't have an issue with flunking..experienced that continually in math class, and hey..it isn't so bad. What it feels like right now, is that time lapse when you hand your test onto the teacher's desk, knowing it is really crappy, and then again the next day when you see the marked results back on that desk. Once you have it back in your hands, you are not surprised, you kind of knew what the big red mark would be..maybe you didn't quite expect the E- but, the E was pretty much a given. Then the really bad part is pretty much over. There is no going back..just have to deal with things.
Now that I can handle! The beginning and the end..it is the freaking middle limbo crap that drives me insane! All the little bits and pieces that are not clear, and that make looking for that safe jumping area, impossible. Right now, pardon the pun (inside "joke") the water seems to pour randomly, with no possible spot to climb.
So...I will sit and sit, and think and think, and feel really bad that I have not lifted a single finger to begin the first, let alone the second of my karmic sh*t piles. They are really beginning to stink, but I keep sniffing my pachouli oil, and so far, I haven't started to gag!