Hellooooo...Did you miss me? Did you think I had fallen off the face of the earth, and were in the midst of planing a celebration? Too bad, so sad, I'm still alive and kicking. In fact I am kicking absolutely every thing!! Dogs, cats, kids, Grannys, myself, just anything that gets in my way. I am in the midst of full blown Cabin Fever.
For those of you who live in cities, and warm toasty places, with sunshine, and lollipops, and rainbows and all that other frigging crap, you have no clue what this is!!
It is sheer hell!! It sucks the life out of you. It hangs over you like a thick sticky cloud of shit, things look like crap, smell like crap, taste like crap, and feel like crap. The world is crappy from the moment you open your eyes, each day. Windows are the worst, the moment you look out of them, you are mad, the moment you walk outside, you are furious. The weather man is your most despised human being. I hate Mark Madrega. Ohhhh...he gets on there, all toasty warm in his nice neat suits, smiling and joking, warning those in Vancouver that they will experience rain, nasty, nasty. Then for a split second he shows the little boxes that tell the story of my area of the province, oh a dash of a couple of words, stating "things will be very chilly in the Peace for the next decade" and I catch a quick glimpse of double digit minus numbers, throwing me into a temper tantrum. Why does he only speak for a few seconds? He goes on and on about the poor people in Vancouver having to put up their umbrella's as they dash from Mall to Mall spending hours in the false sunshine , wearing shorts and sandels, or designer boots, and cutesie leather jackets, with a jaunty little beret (because it just isn't summer, yet) perhaps a pair of nice tight leather gloves to add to the fashion statement.
F*ck me!!! I don't even put shorts on in the frigging house!! If I wore leather it would crack in a second!! Designer boots, the only designer we can even think about wearing is Snow Paks. I wear long johns, stupid looking hats with flaps over the ears, I ensure my socks go over the long johns so no bare skin is ever exposed to the elements.
The risk of Frost bite is not just a tiny highlighted statement at the top of a screen, it is a fact of life for me!! I have had the pleasure of an ear becoming cold, and then burning hot, and then peeling, not because of the sun, but because the poor thing was left uncovered for a short period of time in the cold!!
My winter started the middle of the month of October, and continues still in the middle of March!!! I spent months with a few hours of day light.Winter may look lovely on those beautiful Christmas cards, tiny little hamlets buried in mounds of white sparkling snow. The true facts are, along with the pretty fluffy white crap, come mind blowing winds, that suck that sh*t up and beat it against your body, and it feels like you are being attacked by a BB gun. The thermometer says -25, but the winds drop that frigid temperature another 10 degrees, making breathing painful.
If you are unlucky enough, like myself, to wear glasses, well you are in for a treat! The metal that touches your face becomes so cold that it burns into your nose, and the pieces that fit over your ears, seem to melt into your flesh.
Those nice little cards disgust me!! Who the heck wants to get a winter card, when they actually have winter? Oh, maybe those twits that go to Whistler . Hellooo...yours truly does not do winter sports. Oh, I used to, many years ago when I had winters with snow, but not bizzarro deep freeze cold. Get a grip!! For some reason, beyond comprehension, I apparently get to experience absolutely everything horrid about winter, and nothing nice (is there anything nice?).
I think that at the ripe old age of 57, to waste a full 6 months dealing with my least favourite season, is not a smart thing to do. How many years do I have left? Take 1/2 of that away, because for those 6 frigging months I am prisoner in my home, I am now blowing 50% of my life. What a terrible waste!!!
Now, granted my honey is almost a decade younger than me, so perhaps he has not clued in, that he is losing so much time, trapped in the ice age. No, I am not like those frogs, you read about, I don't freeze for the whole 6 months, and then melt to reveal myself as I was before winter began. Instead, my skin dries out to lizard skin, if I could simply molt, and start the spring off with nice moist skin, that might be appealing, but instead , I just flake...The static that builds up with the cold does not spark romance, instead , I find myself ensuring I am not close to the toilet paper rolls in case I cause a flipping fire with the constant shocks I give off. Really!!! You idiots that keep harping about Climate change, shake your damn heads! Read the history of this place!! Same nasty, horrible, asinine weather was happening back in the 1800's. This is reality, if someone came along and said they were going to start a business that would cause the temperatures in this area to warm up in the winter, I think I just might jump on their band wagon.
" Just move", you say...well, here goes...If you will sponser me , say $2500 a month, I will find a way to pack myself and my beloved (and the dog, of course) off to some tropical island, and live 100% of the rest of my life, without the issue of cabin fever. I will even promise to stop blogging this negative spew, and concentrate on writing recipes for pineapple alcoholic beverages, and weaving coconut leaves into place mats, I promise to mail out to each and every sponser.
I figure I have at least one more month, until I am free from this season. I know, the stupid calender says that spring begins on Wednesday, well, in my world they are calling for snow that day! Today I woke up to -25, and it has "warmed" up to - something or the other. Tomorrow it is suppose to reach a balmy +1, imagine, +1, wow, thats something to look forwards to. Maybe I will risk leaving the long johns at home?
So, by now, I expect you are thankful that I have remained silent for so long. I know those who have been unfortunate enough to have to bear with me through these months, wish they had taken up a collection and sent me away. Well, guys, there is still plenty of time (sadly), and you decide, do you have the ability to stand me for yet another month, or do you do your part to make the workplace a safe environment?