Today I am so disappointed. I can't believe I actually allowed myself to get so caught up in a dream, that reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh, we have all done what I did, I know..folks might not be like me, and announce it to the whole world, but...we've all done it!! I am going on about the damn lottery! I am so frigging desperate, I actually convinced myself this time, I was going to win! Oh, I wanted it so very badly, it had to happen. My life would be so wonderful, so many lives would be wonderful, it was my turn! Surprise!! Guess this was the turn I got kicked out of place. Really, you guys don't know how much I deserve this!! I am sure that you would give up any chance, just to allow me to be so very happy, right????Fine, screw the lot of you!!! When the next numbers come up, and I win, you can kiss my butt, not going to share with anyone!! O.K. I have to share, as there are two of us in on the ticket, but, it's just us two, because......we deserve it!!
I had it all planned out. I had worked my very last day, and it was a killer! I managed to make it through, because....I was going to win!! F*ck my life!!! I have now lost all hope of ever having a life. I see myself trudging through years of scrubbing toilets, and sopping up floods. I see my life shortened by the over abundance of stink I must endure, day after day. My nostrils are permanently flared, because they are assaulted every working moment. My head aches, constantly, perhaps because I am always trying to figure out a way I can get out of the crayola box.
I am fed up with getting thrown back on my heels upon entering an area, because the stench is overwhelming, and then I am informed that myself and my buddy are the only ones who notice. Helloooo..yes, I have an excellent schnoz, I think I should have gone in to become a perfumist, my goodness, imagine smelling lovely smells all day...or..a Scotch Taster, I could pick up a peaty smell within seconds. For a few years I was the keeper of the fire in a fish smoke house. I have the ability to walk in the door, and instantly know there was a fish hanging amongst the many, that was not perfect, and I would wander the rows until I found it. You know the person things are always handed to, and they are asked to "smell this" to determine if something has gone off? That's me.
As I have gotten older and entered the wonderful fun filled years of "mental" pause, my nose has obviously taken power from the other senses that have diminished. Much like a blind person whose sense of touch becomes incredible, my sense of smell has become , not a gift, but a torture.
I don't go about sniffing, but, things smell with colour. Most of what I smell all day at work are coloured green and black. Those are not nice colours, in regards to the smell-o-meter. Nice smells are coloured lilac, or teal, or peach, colours that are subtle, and lovely. Smells like Red (although it is one of my favourite colours), are like a person wearing far too much perfume, kind of chokes you, but, you can bear it. Green is like fart, just like in the comic books, a fart has a green smell, chokes you, and not in a nice way. Pee is a lemon yellow, unless it has sat in a puddle, or on a toilet seat, then it is turning towards green. Green is gross, but, it is nothing like black.
Black fills my days. The smell IS the colour. Black is dark, black is dangerous, black is deadly, black is scary. Each day, my life is filling up further and further with black. It is making me gag, it is making it harder and harder for me to drag myself out the door in the morning, and harder yet in the afternoon.
The colour envelopes my life. Bizarro world is black! There is no light, only darkness. I think the black smell has followed me home. I enter my door, and sniff, something is lurking in the dark. I wash my floors, Febreeze my furniture, pour bleach down all my drains, wash my laundry, and throw in an extra sheet of fabric softener, but...somewhere, that tiny black spot is hiding. I shower before bed, because I imagine it is on me, maybe in my hair?
Don't worry, I realize this is all just floating about inside my grey matter (see Grey, subtle colour). I am aware my job is once again taking over my real world. I understand I am not Martha Stewart, but no one is going to choke on the black in my house. However, I also understand, if I am ever going to hope to retire and be able to afford to eat, I have to continue to work for a few more years yet. Because I have given the past(almost decade) to doing the job I do, there is a very faint hope, I will find another, in the limited time this body has left.
So, that is why I was so desperate to win this lottery. I want to spend the rest of my time on earth, smelling the subtle colours. Black may be slimming, but when it comes to smells, it slims simply because it chokes!
I have decided, perhaps I just miscalculated, maybe it wasn't my turn this week, my turn is next week! I was never any good with math, so there is still hope!