In the past few days, I have managed to write about 3 long drawn out blogs, which now sit unpublished. See, life has thrown yet another curve ball, pretty much right in the head, and of course, I feel the need to holler my curses out to the world. However...like a big pile of previous crap, those curses have got to be corralled for a wee bit before sharing with the world. They are too painful, and as of yet, still not completely comprehended...so they will wait. The problem with those stinky things, is, they are pretty much impossible to understand, so, instead, we will ensure they never happen again, at least by the same lunatics. To do this, requires a complete overhaul, that means a massive amount of time and effort, both of which I have very little of.
See, as with the other blogs, I am attempting to explain "home". I have come to the realization that the word "Home" means something different throughout life.When I was a child, home was with my parents. It was the place I had to be, a place with rules, set by others. Hey, it was somewhere I had to listen and learn. I had food and warmth, and security. It was a place of comfort, a place I belonged, well until I got older, and then it seems I finally clued in, and realized I had to find another home, my own.
I have had a number of homes over the many years I have lived. Each one would start off feeling comfortable, and secure, and then bits and pieces would start to crumble off, and suddenly that feeling of belonging would disappear. I have to think that, sometimes, certain homes do not fit. It is not the structures themselves, that don't fit, it is the atmosphere. It is not what one finds when they open the door, but what is outside the door that seeps in.
I remember when my Honey dragged me kicking and screaming from the one place I felt at home. Oh, I didn't want to leave that comfort zone, but we had to, we just could not afford to stay, and survive.
Funny, the place we moved, I hated, for years, but...it grew on me. It offered all of the things I enjoyed in life, and once we left, we would return year after year for our holidays, enjoying all the things we missed. Yes, we missed that place. We had some pretty difficult times there. Most years were a struggle financially, and when we decided it was time to leave there, I was relieved. I was tired of just existing, and tired of being trapped within 4 walls, with only kids for company. When we drove away, I didn't look back.
We arrived in the land of milk and honey! We quickly moved from a 2 bedroom trailer to a 4 bedroom house, overlooking the river. Hola, life was good! Our kids settled in, and found friends, I got a job, helloooo, we were on cruise control.
Well, we hit the most enormous pot hole we have ever come across, that hole busted our world apart. That experience totally soured me. That was the moment in life that trust was lost. Oh, granted, before that, I questioned everything, and relied on my instinct, which, again, is usually spot on, but, this one time, instinct did not give me a head's up, and that is when my home started to crumble. Big pieces have continued to chip off, the space under the door that allows the nasty stuff to seep in, has got too big to plug, and neither of us can breath without gagging. How one tiny little section in this great big world can have so much negativity, is astounding, but...this black cloud has become way too heavy, and depressing.
So, we took a moment, and discussed what our options were. We thought about south, a place of flowers and warm breezes, but every job opportunity seemed to include city life, and....that is not who we are. The fact was, we knew where we belonged, we knew in our hearts, where our home is. The draw of my "territory" has been calling me for a very long time, ever since I lost the ability to trust. I need to go to where I understand the rules (well somewhat, but, I know how things work, and can protect myself). I need to go back to a comfort zone, where we fit in, and are not the fools to be played by those who feel we don't matter. Hey, it is time to settle where we can live without wondering who is going to stab us in the back next. We will be home, where we don't have to try and fit in, because we can simply be ourselves and where the door seal is secure.
It is going to be a long process, and right now, I am overwhelmed by the job I have ahead of me. I think of the hard parts, moving away from my children, and my grandchildren, but, we will do what we have to in order to make that less painful. I think of the very few who are a constant in my world here, and already we have plans to ensure we don't lose touch. I think of my job, one that is not the easiest in the world, and certainly not the career I dreamed of. I realize I will, in truth, miss that tiny little social aspect that has allowed me to survive reasonably sane the past 10 years. But, deep down inside, I know this is the right thing to do, and I am almost ready!