Wow, the past few days, although I have a ton of stuff that should be driving me right batty, I somehow feel a sense of calm. I have noticed myself letting stuff sort of slide to the side. That is NOT normal for me, I tend to fixate, and let crap build up, till it blows, but.....not quite sure why, I am feeling sort of, kind of, optimistic. OMGosh...I work very hard at not letting myself get here, I certainly don't want to set myself up for a big fall, but...something inside has opened the door to inner peace, and...it is not a glowing ball of light, but, there is a flicker.
I suppose, part of it is, I have made a huge decision, and, instead of procrastinating, I followed through. I didn't sit and think, I didn't weigh pros and cons, I simply sat down, and did something immediately. Funny thing, not even second guessing, and I jumped in 5 days ago. That is not usual, by this time, I should be a basket case, but..nope..gong to simply settle in, and go with the flow. I no longer care where it takes me, as long as I stop stagnating.
That pretty much how things have been, stagnant. I suppose I could have continued on, for years to come, running around on the hamster wheel, because, I know every inch of that wheel by heart. I run that wheel with my eyes closed, it is not getting me anywhere, but, I have survived, and who knows, maybe once I take a step off of it, my legs will collapse. but, too late, now.
For most of my life, the wheel has been acceptable, it's safe, sort of. Life outside of the wheel seemed scary, filled with possibilities that might not be good. Going to stay on that wheel..However, the wheel wasn't very safe, either. No matter that I kept running, someone, or something kept sticking stuff between the rungs, and I would fall face first into the damn thing.
Guess I finally clued in, life off of the wheel, can't be any worse. There are sights to see, that I missed running in place. Some of the sights might not be pretty, but they will be different, and maybe some of them will be awesome.
Perhaps the calm is realization, it is time to test my little wings, and instead of swirling round and round in one spot, I can flutter above the ground, if only for a moment?
I know, very cryptic, but, like I said, we are not talking ball of light, so things are still behind a thick fog. I am just bragging, because I stepped a wee bit, outside of my comfort zone, and now, I will sit back, and see if I stayed on the wheel too long, or if, maybe, I do have a few scraggly tail feathers to allow the old crow to fly.....
BTW..those of you who will..don't bother asking questions. I don't have the answers, so you are wasting your breath. All I know, is that I have found that pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel, and I am trying very hard to get closer to it, before it goes out again. Just wish me luck, and of course, a lottery win!