Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Feeling Guilty

Do you ever just want to slap yourself in the head? I have spent the past few days holding my hand back. I hate myself for being an idiot, and wish I could have a "normal" job like most people. You have, of course, realized my job is NOT normal.
   This time around, I pushed myself, and worked 7 days straight. I have to do this, in order to get a decent pay check. See, my honey's job now requires him to be away from home 12 days and then home for 5-6. Well, I may be old and grey, but my world still revolves around the man I love, so, when he is home, I want to spend time with him. I have tried working the full 12 days he does, not a good thing. I have to take at least one if not two off during this period. Then, of course, if I take the whole 6 off when he is home, I get a pretty shabby assed pay cheque. Oh, once I thought I had an extra days pay, because there was a Stat holiday, and as I work at what my employer states is "averaging" (not a damn clue what she means by this, it was the reason given that I never ever get OT, no matter if I have over 100 hours during a pay period) I counted that as a day I would be paid for. Hah!! Apparently I did not read the rule that stated I had to work 15 days the month previous. Hola, somehow there is always a way to screw me around.
  So, I pour over the calender each month, figuring a way to get the most pay, with enough time off to keep me semi-sane. My partner has finally reached a point that she has cut back. Remember, she is 6 years older than me,LOL. My daughter, well, she can manage the long clumps but this time, I needed her help at home, so, she booked off at the same time as me, and my buddy did as well. Add workers that are part-time and do not work weekends, add workers that do NOT show up, and you have a humungous mess. Got two poor individuals working the whole job alone.
  Hey, I've done it, I have even at a few times, been left holding the whole damn bag, myself. Remember, the place is full, all the outlying areas have guests that expect their beds made, and fresh towels. They don't give a rat's a$$ if my employer does not understand she is lacking the staff to cover the area. My employer doesn't give a rat's a$$ about anything, except ensuring she has every single room filled. This is what happens when the business owner has no concept of what it takes to run things properly. She will sympathize, and the next minute turn around, and complain that something was not done. She will drop added amounts of work onto the work load when she gets a sudden check out (at various times of the day) and immediately reserve the room for later that day. This is extremely depressing, and wears staff down. She is informed that for certain days, she is down to two staff, but that simply goes in one ear, and out the other.
  I know that the two co-workers stuck working the whole shebang, are faced with a terrible work load. I have been there too many times myself. I am aware they are worked to the bone, and sadly, there is no incentive for what they are doing. They will certainly not get a nice little bonus for carrying the whole job themselves, with the employer paying two people to do the work of 4 or 5. If they are lucky, they will get a "sorry" or a "thank you", but, mark my words, they will also get informed of some complaint. They will feel used up, and abused, Like my partner says, they will be chewed up by maggots, and left with nothing but bone.
  So, on the 3 days I have had off, I have spent part of the time feeling very guilty about leaving these two people holding the bag. I admit, 2 years ago, I would have simply erased my scheduled days off to help them cover things. My partner would have done the same. We would have worked our butts off, and made our loved ones  spend their days alone, all for the good of the hotel. However, we did this so many times, and got nothing in return for giving up our plans. We do not get raises, we do not get appreciation, we get the same garbage day after day. Add to this, the many times we have been left in the same position, no one stepped up and gave up their plans for us. We were idiots!!!
  I am so sorry that the two poor women have had to work like lunatics, I regret that things were dumped in their laps. I hold nothing against them, they are my co-workers, and we work together in a job, that is bizarre. I wish things were not like this, and hope that they understand, this was not personal. I did not set out to make their life miserable. They are simply enduring something my partner and I have had to do countless times, simply because our employer turns a blind eye to reality.
  If it makes them feel even a tiny bit better to know that I have been feeling guilt, which has not allowed me to enjoy my time off fully, so be it. But, it is likely next weekend, it will be myself left holding the bag, and I wonder if I will step up to the plate this time. In truth, I have told myself and others, I am no longer willing to do this, it is too hard on a body that has been abused as long as mine has. I refuse to cry at work, because I am worn out, and faced with overwhelming tasks. I am managing on the smaller pay cheques, and perhaps I can survive with even a few dollars less.
  I am getting a little better at ignoring the guilt, and if I try very hard, I think I can forget it completely. It is not my business, I have been put out to dry on more than one occasion by my employer, and they have not felt a pinch of guilt. If those who have suffered these past few days can understand, this is not something I wished on them. I can continue to find a way to accept this is not my life, and not my responsibility, and enjoy my well deserved days off, guilt free.