As many of you know, I am far away from "home" hiding out, and trying to get my sh*t together.
Funny, I knew I needed some fixing, but in truth, didn't realize the major overhaul necessary. I firmly believe sleep is one of those things that is strong medicine. Oh, not that wake-up steady stuff..but deep down inside, sound asleep. For the past 3 days, I hit the hay, and bam..I am out like a light. There is no waking up stuff, this is, real good sh*t sleep! Yep, I'm bragging, because after months, maybe even years, of broken sleep patterns, that left me wanting to just crawl right back under the covers every single morning, even with 3 dogs sharing my bed sleep, this has been incredible! I still have that nasty ball of knots between my shoulder blades which are a well known work injury associated with my job, but, it doesn't throb quite as badly.
It was difficult the first few days, that uncontrollable urge to touch base with the job. I knew it was what had dragged me into the darkness, but..even so, because I had allowed it to become my life, I needed the "fix". Geez, wish I could quit smoking with the will power I somehow dug up to slap my hands and let it go. O.K. one tiny connection, but it really wasn't related to MY job, so...I am going to say that was allowed. Won't be there pay day, so I am not even going to feel the pain of no wage..well..O.K. that's a teeny lie, but..too late now, so, nothing I can do about it! The longer I go, the farther away work gets. That is a good thing.
I harboured some guilt. When I left, things were pretty hectic, and as one who has been dumped to carry a heavy load on more than one occasion,(with, I must say, no guilt felt by those who dumped me) I felt bad. Maybe that is why I felt the urge to contact? I worried about the others, I know most didn't listen, and didn't care where I was going when I hit my wall, but, because this is so awful, I did not want anyone else bashing their heads. Silly me!! I know that would never happen! Idiots like me are few and far between. Oh..I know one, very well, but I no longer have to worry about her stupid loyalty and sense of responsibility, she finally got a clue, too! So, today, I am guilt free! Apparently when I left, everything basically ground to a slow dribble. Doesn't that figure? Like my idiot friend said, it is very unlikely anyone now, will ever have a clue what it means to have their life controlled by this job. Are they smarter than us? Hummm..that's questionable. Nope..don't think brains have diddly to do with things, think it is just an older generational "clot" (really, used to be a good thing, now it is painful) that no longer has a bearing on the work place. It doesn't get a person anywhere, well, anywhere good. Not possible to remove the clot, but I am sure I can thin it out a whole bunch!
Yesterday, I found the second strong medicine, that allowed me to truly feel I am on the mend. I had a surprise visit from my oldest "daughter" sister-in-law, friend. The house was a mess, the dogs went insane, my hair wasn't brushed, and I was in my housecoat. All of this would have been grounds previously, to rush outside and suggest we hit a coffeeshop. Nope...the sheer pleasure of seeing a familiar face, and the ability to find total comfort with a person who has been there for so much of my life, allowed me to simply enjoy. Laughter and total comfort, wow..what a feeling!
So, I can say I am getting much better. I can also say, I was far worse than I imagined. It is going to take a lot more than a couple of weeks away from my job to fix things, but all those fixes don't seem as impossible as they did last month. Truth be told that scary quote "abandon hope, all ye who enter here" could very well have been tattooed on my forehead, now it is disappearing, and...I am very hopeful!